Wednesday, August 5, 2009

All I know is that I can change, everything else just stays the same.

why does it always seem like im all alone, like i dont have anyone else in the world ? I've been blaming others for me being alone, yet I'm starting to feel like it's me not them. I feel like I cant open up to anyone. I dont know why, I mean i want to but everytime I try to talk this wall goes up. I think it's because I'm afraid of getting let down again. I feel like if I open up to someone and then I don't end up feeling any different, it becomes another issue to be concerned about. I really wish I could find someone that I knew I could trust. It's so hard to let people in and I don't know how to change it. Until I learn how to trust people I think I'll be carrying this pain around with me forever all by myself.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

2 is the lonliest number?

So I've been having such a crappy week. I've just been really depressed again and thinks haven't been as fun. I need my best friend more than anything and yet once again she's not there. She always says that shes here for me no matter what yet she doesn't even know how I'm feeling because she hasn't even bothered to show concern. Well today i was on a park field trip and on the bus ride there i sat next to someone who until today i thought was just another person. Well some things happened that resulted in us talking, like really talking. He told me alot about what he was going through and it made me relieze i wasn't the only person who feels the way i do. He made me feel better even though he may not know it. I still felt alone but it made me feel like we were alone together.

Monday, July 20, 2009

this house is not a home

She hates being here. She hates being able to hear them fight. People say there's no place like home. Well for me it's true. Home is a place where happiness comes very seldomly and where nobody ever seem to get along. So although some people define home as a loving and caring place, i see it as a place where i am forced to go after my day is over. It's a place where i cry myself to sleep almost every night. I love going out here and there every day but towards the end i am overcome with the saddest feeling in the world because i know that i'll have to return home eventually. So yes i must agree there is no place like home.

Monday, May 25, 2009

You're Not my One and Only

So my life has been real crazy lately. No bad crazy but fun crazy. The school year is coming to an end and I already have that summer feeling. I've been out having fun no worrying too much about life, I've been relaxed. I feel pretty confident this year that I won't become depressed like I have in the past. I've been going to school willingly and I haven't even complained. I think it has alot to do with the people I've been hanging out with. I have a bunch of different groups of friends not just one clique. I've been mixing it up. The only problem is that Sam seems to think that I'm not making enough time for her, well sorry. When we stopped being friends my world didn't stop. I kept going and I'm not going to work my schedule around hers. I have other friends and she doesn't deserve all of my time. I love her to death, she's my best friend but it feels like she gets jealous when I spend time with other people, I don't like that. It makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like she's giving me an ultimatium and it's not fair. She has Nikki and everywhere we go she's there and yet she gets mad when I don't want to spend every waking moment with them. Well maybe Nikki isn't my favorite person, maybe I can't spend alot of time with her. I'm best friends with Sam and I think sometimes she thinks that that means I'm best friends with Nikki too, but that's not ture. I like Nikki I do but sometimes she brings down my mood and I can't deal with that, not when things are going so good for me. Well I guess that's all the complaining I have to do today.
<33

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Trust .

So I've been having alot of fun lately. Me and Sam are back as she says and I've been doing more. Plus I've been able to keep up with my school work. Yet my mom is driving my crazy. It's like every time I ask her something she has to think about it like I'm gunna go and do something stupid. She never used to be like this and now all of a sudden she's like questioning everything I do. I gave her no reason not to trust me. Plus when I ask to hang out with Sam and Nikki she always says aren't you with them too much. First of all me and sam always used to be together day and night and now it's a problem? She needs to stop and calm down because I'm just trying to have fun. I shouldnt have to feel bad about that.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Yup It's Legit

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. A long while and I've been reminded of it constantly. So here it is:

I really don't have much to say. I guess life has been okay. Recently me and my best friend got "reunited," if that's what you want to call it. It's been good. I've been having fun. Yet I can't help but have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's not going to last. I'm trying not to let it get to me. Don't get me wrong when were together it's like old time and I love it. Yet if it doesn't last I'll be the one who gets hurt ..again. I want to bring it up with her but I don't want to make her mad because are relationship is fragile. So for right now I'm just trying to relax and have fun.


So there's this boy, and all in all he's amazing. When I'm with him I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can tear me down. I love him, yet I can never tell him. He's my best friend and I don't want anything to jepordize that. He always there for me and I love that. Sometimes I have to cry because I know that we can never be together and it hurts me bad. I'm in love with him. but the world will never know.