7/29

Dear you,
I hope your happy the way you left things because im not. You lied again and my heart is way more stable but it still hurts. After everything, all the plans, and all the promises. But see fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I will not let you fool me again. You come and go in my life and its not fair to me to have to keep waiting and wondering when you gonna come to my side and when your gonna turn your back.I only live once and all this pain is tearing me down so no more. I'm gonna learn to enjoy my life before its too late. You were my best friends and to say that all we can ever do now it talk now and then is just cruel. I was there for you when you begged me to stay with you because I was all you had and now you left me without a care in the world. I didn't get to hear your voice because you were to cowardly to even call me. Well fuckk you because you had your chances and when you come crawling back asking for forgivness it wont be given because ive heard it all before. I wanted you in my life because I thought you'd be the one to care the most and just be there for me no matter what but no you never did any of those things and I bent over backwards just trying to keep you happy. I deserve more and I know it. You never approved of how I lived my life and I always tried to change for you but I couldn't. I need to be immature at time but I know when to step up and be mature. So fuck you because once again I fell for your secrets and lies. You killed it
Love, me

Life's Not Mine to Live

As I reflect on my life, I'm amazed at all that has happened. I don't think I ever thought it would end up like this. With my head and my heart never complelty satisfied. Why can't I be happy with what I have. My life is not awful, it's actually pretty amazing. Yet, all I can think about it is everyone and everything that has hurt me and everything that makes me angry or sad. Why can I never live my life with no complaints? There are so many things I love in the world. I have amazing friends and yet the one I can't stop thinking about is the one who left. Left me alone in a world full of hate. He left me here to go through life without him and I can never forgive him. Sad thing is by not forgiving him, I'm only hurting myself. He could care less about what I feel and he has made that perfectly clear and yet he still has me feeling down. So why do I let him control my life like that? I've searched and searched for the answer and have come up with nothing, don't think I ever will. Life is what it is and nothing can be changed, not now it's too late. So I'll just sit back and light one more because that's the only thing I can control in my life. The feeling of being so high that my whole body goes numb and I can no longer feel anything; physically or emtionally. Without feeling the pain and sadness is gone, but will I ever be able to feel happiness again? Have I ever really felt it to begin with?

7/16

Ever feel like you dont know if your living your life or is it all just a dream? I find myself not being able to establish whether or not something actually happen in my life or did i just imagine it. Its like my life is a constant blurr and i cant keep up with whats going on around me. Am i missing out on the fun or am i living the good life? I cant even establish if im happy or not. Do i like how i feel or do i hide behind it? I need to get out of this place, i need to rise above. All these unanwerable questions cant fight the feeling of desire. Should I continue or stop to actually face the facts of life. Also my face is breaking out like crazy im pretty sure its from all the times i tried to find the answers. Im just lost ..

Happy Fourth of July

So this weekend my family and I went away to Massachusetts for a fourth of Julypicnic. I decided that I wouldnt take my phone along that way I could really enjoy myself and think about some things. Well I had time to think and when I did check my phone today I had multiple messages from my girlfriend. She was worried that I may be mad at her, when in fact that was not the case at all. By doing that it shows me that she's very clingy, if she can't go two days without talking to me. I'm seenteen and I don't know if I am ready to be that commited to someone. I need my space, I need to be able to be with my friends and family without her feeling left out. I do include her in many things but i need time for me too. She's a big part of my life but she can't be every part and I wish she would relize that. I want to talk to her about it but I don't want to upset her and I don't want her to think I don't love her but I need a break. A week where we just don't talk and we do things on our own. I need that time to think about us and just be able to relax and breathe. Not having to worry about calling her or answering to her. It may sound selfish but that's what I need right now if this relationship is ever going to work. I just don't know how to ask for a break.
In other news today the picnic was a blast until we decided to leave and my mother was sick. So instead of being able to go back home to Connecticut, we had to stay another night at the hotel. I understand she's sick but it's a sickness she could have prevented. She bitches and yells and tells me not to smoke yet she can go and down a half bottle of tequilla? It's her life and I don't try and force her decisions, I try not to even judge but what gives her the right to try and force my decisions? I had to extend my stay and take care of her and my brother because of her choices. Yet I don't even get to make my own decisions? If I'm old enough to take care of a 10 year old and a drunken 43 year old, should I not be able to take care oof myself? Make my own mistakes? Deal with stress the way I would like too? Its just funny that she thinks she can make better decisions for me than I can make for myself. Please just let me live as I please you hypocrite.

Some Bestfriend Huh?

It's as if I have become obsolete in your life. We used to be as one, the way we talked, the way we moved, and the way we'd hold each other and forget that the rest of the world even existed. Yet, now what am I to you; just a memory? In my eyes you'll always be more then a memory. You were my best friend, I would have died for you and now we don't even speak. Why? Was I not good enough to be a part of your fucked up little world? I helped you through so much and I deicated myself to you. It sounds intense but it really was. You promised me you'd always be here for me, yet where are you now? I never wanted to get close to you and you knew that. I told you about all the people that had hurt me and all the people that had broke my trust and you promised you'd never be one of them. You made me bealive that you were different and that you were truly there for me, silly me. You even forced up some tears telling me of how much you never wanted to leave my side and how happy I made you. I never wanted more than your friendship and now you won't even write me back. Don't I deserve a little more then small talk? We haven't even spoke in months and it's not because I didn't try. I tried on countless occasions but after a while its tiring. I have feelings too and they have been hurt so many times. My biggest mistake was letting my guard down like I promised myself I would never do. And you proved to me that I should never let my guard down again.