So I would love to know why u can respond ti my blogs but can't answer me anywhere else , I know you probably wont believe me bc I've lied so many times before but I just want to talk to you . Do I still I've you , yes I always will but what I miss most is out friendship I have a lot of good friends but you actually understood me and when I get sad I just wanna talk to you because you'll understand and care more than anyone else I know . I miss my best friend the one that told me I deserved better and told me I don't deserve the bullshit . II've literally tried everything I possibly could to get you to talk and I still try because no matter how much it hurts me when you don't respond your still the one I wanna talk to the most especially when I need a good heart to heart so I keep trying . I even tried emailing you hoping I'd get a response but I shoulda known better. And I'm not run selfish I wanna hear about your life too I hate not knowing about how your doing and how your feeling. We used to talk about everything and now nothing and it's hard ... I just really really really miss my best friend

Dear you, I haven't been on in awhile since my last post actually and I read what ou had to say and I hear you. Honestly you're the only one who gets me even now. I wish things were different I wish I hadn't been such a huge fucking failure. I wish you were still l here, but you're right I need to work on getting sober and from this day on imma work my hardest to be sober I'm even going to go to rehab because I know that's what I need. Reading everything you wrote made me brake out into tears instantly because I know how right you are. I just wish I listened to you sooner. I really do more than anything. Just today I was telling my "friends" how I wish things ended differently between me and you because when u look back at us I want you I remember the good times but I know you won't be able to as clearly because of all the horrible shit I put you through. I wish I could of been stronger earlier because then there might still be a chance for me and you. Please believe me when I say that even now you make me want to be strong because I know you were one of the few people who actually cared about me in my life . Believe me when I say that i am going to try my hardest to be sober because I know I'm better than what I've become. I got a job and I plan on keeping it and getting my life back on track I just wish you were here to help me through all this and help me succeed. Even though I know that we've become nothing as a couple I'm doing this because of you, because you were and are the only person who believes I can do better. So I hope your life is everything you wanted it to be because I really do want the best for you even after everything. I love you now and always love me

I've ruined everything

This week should have been one of the best, most accomplished, saddest weeks of my life; but it wasn't. Everyone posting on twitter about bittersweet memories of leaving their fist year of college. I never finished mine, either semester. I know it's my fault and I think that's what makes it worse. I should be just moving back home, my parents should be proud and overwhelemed with joy that I'm home for the next four months. Nothings as I planned it. How is it that I could have fucked up my life this bad? Moving into college last semester was everything my mom had dreamed but me coming home early and living in her home again on drugs everyday was not how she wanted my life to go. That makes everythig worse. I had so many people in my life that wanted me to sucesseed and I let them down. I guess thats probably what makes my failure hurt so much worse. Everyone who ever put me first in life got let down by me in so many ways. I wish I could go back and change it all. What do I have now? My mother cant even look me in the eye becaue shes so disappointed in what I've become, the only girl I ever loved wont even speak to me, and my main concern with life is where I can find my next fix to get high. I have nothing left. I'm all drained out. Why did I let it get so bad? I miss how it used to be. I love my friends and I tell myself that I'm okay with how my life is going but it's all a big lie. I can't open up with anyone, I like hiding my fears and my saddness. The more I let people in, the more chance I have of getting hurt again, and I cant get hurt again. So many people have come and gone in my life and at the end of it all I'm the one left alone. I like being the one who is always cheerful because its easy. Its easy going through life saying im over it and pretending everythings okay. Things get too complicated when I don't. But it's hard sitting up night after night thinking about how unhappy I am. I've burned so many bridges with so many people. My life is going nowhere and I know that. I just wish I could change it all somehow and go back and do it all again. But for now I'll put on a smile and just try and make it through each day. One day it'll all be over and what's scary is I look forward to that day. People always talk about their fear of dying but its something I longed for more than anything. I can't take the life I have built for myself anymore. I just want it all to end.

Youre a fake as the people you claim to hate..

So college. I started out strong. Big mistake. Making friends and having fun shouldn't have been my priority because now that its gone, it hurts. Funny thing is I thought that our friendship meant something to you. I get it not everything lasts but honestly after everything you're going to go and be a hypocrite. We've sat up and talked and gotten to know each other. I've sat and listened to you vent about how fake people turn out to be and how happy you are to at least have me here. So what happened tonight? You got your so called fake friends back and all of a sudden our friendship means nothing. You turned out to be just as fake as you say they all are. I guess you deserve their friendship then. It just sucks that I trusted you and thought that I could consider you a best friend. I'm trying not to be dramatic about the situation but how can I not be? Like I honestly don't care what you do, but don't come complaining to me when everything goes wrong again. I helped you through alot and you've helped me as well but after tonight I don't think I can ever trust you like before. Tonight I was ignored and treated as if I didn't even exist to you. I don't own you I know that but I think I at least deserve an explanation. I just don't need this now and you know that but whatever I get it. Once a fake always a fake.

And the World Spins Madly On

Why does it always come down to this? Everything just crashing down around me all at once? I swear I'm a good person and I've always thought myself to be one of the strongest people around but how strong am I really? I hate feeling like this, hopeless and alone. But as I take a look around the fact of the matter is that I am alone. I don't have anyone I feel close to. Is that my fault? Did I push these people away? Was I too honest? Or not honest enough? Why is it I sit here night after night with this horrible feeling of abandament? Why do I loose everyone I love? I tried letting my guard down and letting people into my life, but for what? They aren't here now are they? I've tried to deal saying fuck this and fuck that but I was just putting up walls; walls that hid my true feelings and kept them bottled up inside me. People always say you should not put walls up, you should let your feelings out. But what if no one is willing to listen? Is it worth letting my feelings out if I'm the only one who hears them? I don't believe so, it just makes the pain worse and more real. I'm better off living a lie and forcing fake smiles and good times. I've expierenced feelings of happy but for what? It was almost a tease. I was happy then but I ended up sad and lonely again and this time it's even worse because I knew what true happiness felt like. I'm not asking to be happy all the time I know that's impossible but it would be nice just to smile and laugh and not have that horrible aching pain in my stomach. I want to be able to trust people and let people in but I can't not after everything I've been through. My trust has been broken. People have made promises that were never kept and I can't deal with being lied to, so I keep my distance and hide my true self behind a cloud of smoke or behind the bitter taste of liquor. It's easier this way I think, to pretend. Getting high let's me be someone else, it let's me feel numb. And numb is better then having to face reality and feel the agony. This is the way I've come to live my life and why shouldn't I live it this way. Life hasn't given me any reason to stop, so what difference does it make? Nothing really matters anymore, not to me anyway. I'll just sit back and let life take its' course until it wears me down to nothing but ashes.

7/29

Dear you,
I hope your happy the way you left things because im not. You lied again and my heart is way more stable but it still hurts. After everything, all the plans, and all the promises. But see fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I will not let you fool me again. You come and go in my life and its not fair to me to have to keep waiting and wondering when you gonna come to my side and when your gonna turn your back.I only live once and all this pain is tearing me down so no more. I'm gonna learn to enjoy my life before its too late. You were my best friends and to say that all we can ever do now it talk now and then is just cruel. I was there for you when you begged me to stay with you because I was all you had and now you left me without a care in the world. I didn't get to hear your voice because you were to cowardly to even call me. Well fuckk you because you had your chances and when you come crawling back asking for forgivness it wont be given because ive heard it all before. I wanted you in my life because I thought you'd be the one to care the most and just be there for me no matter what but no you never did any of those things and I bent over backwards just trying to keep you happy. I deserve more and I know it. You never approved of how I lived my life and I always tried to change for you but I couldn't. I need to be immature at time but I know when to step up and be mature. So fuck you because once again I fell for your secrets and lies. You killed it
Love, me

Life's Not Mine to Live

As I reflect on my life, I'm amazed at all that has happened. I don't think I ever thought it would end up like this. With my head and my heart never complelty satisfied. Why can't I be happy with what I have. My life is not awful, it's actually pretty amazing. Yet, all I can think about it is everyone and everything that has hurt me and everything that makes me angry or sad. Why can I never live my life with no complaints? There are so many things I love in the world. I have amazing friends and yet the one I can't stop thinking about is the one who left. Left me alone in a world full of hate. He left me here to go through life without him and I can never forgive him. Sad thing is by not forgiving him, I'm only hurting myself. He could care less about what I feel and he has made that perfectly clear and yet he still has me feeling down. So why do I let him control my life like that? I've searched and searched for the answer and have come up with nothing, don't think I ever will. Life is what it is and nothing can be changed, not now it's too late. So I'll just sit back and light one more because that's the only thing I can control in my life. The feeling of being so high that my whole body goes numb and I can no longer feel anything; physically or emtionally. Without feeling the pain and sadness is gone, but will I ever be able to feel happiness again? Have I ever really felt it to begin with?