I've ruined everything

This week should have been one of the best, most accomplished, saddest weeks of my life; but it wasn't. Everyone posting on twitter about bittersweet memories of leaving their fist year of college. I never finished mine, either semester. I know it's my fault and I think that's what makes it worse. I should be just moving back home, my parents should be proud and overwhelemed with joy that I'm home for the next four months. Nothings as I planned it. How is it that I could have fucked up my life this bad? Moving into college last semester was everything my mom had dreamed but me coming home early and living in her home again on drugs everyday was not how she wanted my life to go. That makes everythig worse. I had so many people in my life that wanted me to sucesseed and I let them down. I guess thats probably what makes my failure hurt so much worse. Everyone who ever put me first in life got let down by me in so many ways. I wish I could go back and change it all. What do I have now? My mother cant even look me in the eye becaue shes so disappointed in what I've become, the only girl I ever loved wont even speak to me, and my main concern with life is where I can find my next fix to get high. I have nothing left. I'm all drained out. Why did I let it get so bad? I miss how it used to be. I love my friends and I tell myself that I'm okay with how my life is going but it's all a big lie. I can't open up with anyone, I like hiding my fears and my saddness. The more I let people in, the more chance I have of getting hurt again, and I cant get hurt again. So many people have come and gone in my life and at the end of it all I'm the one left alone. I like being the one who is always cheerful because its easy. Its easy going through life saying im over it and pretending everythings okay. Things get too complicated when I don't. But it's hard sitting up night after night thinking about how unhappy I am. I've burned so many bridges with so many people. My life is going nowhere and I know that. I just wish I could change it all somehow and go back and do it all again. But for now I'll put on a smile and just try and make it through each day. One day it'll all be over and what's scary is I look forward to that day. People always talk about their fear of dying but its something I longed for more than anything. I can't take the life I have built for myself anymore. I just want it all to end.