7/16

Ever feel like you dont know if your living your life or is it all just a dream? I find myself not being able to establish whether or not something actually happen in my life or did i just imagine it. Its like my life is a constant blurr and i cant keep up with whats going on around me. Am i missing out on the fun or am i living the good life? I cant even establish if im happy or not. Do i like how i feel or do i hide behind it? I need to get out of this place, i need to rise above. All these unanwerable questions cant fight the feeling of desire. Should I continue or stop to actually face the facts of life. Also my face is breaking out like crazy im pretty sure its from all the times i tried to find the answers. Im just lost ..

Happy Fourth of July

So this weekend my family and I went away to Massachusetts for a fourth of Julypicnic. I decided that I wouldnt take my phone along that way I could really enjoy myself and think about some things. Well I had time to think and when I did check my phone today I had multiple messages from my girlfriend. She was worried that I may be mad at her, when in fact that was not the case at all. By doing that it shows me that she's very clingy, if she can't go two days without talking to me. I'm seenteen and I don't know if I am ready to be that commited to someone. I need my space, I need to be able to be with my friends and family without her feeling left out. I do include her in many things but i need time for me too. She's a big part of my life but she can't be every part and I wish she would relize that. I want to talk to her about it but I don't want to upset her and I don't want her to think I don't love her but I need a break. A week where we just don't talk and we do things on our own. I need that time to think about us and just be able to relax and breathe. Not having to worry about calling her or answering to her. It may sound selfish but that's what I need right now if this relationship is ever going to work. I just don't know how to ask for a break.
In other news today the picnic was a blast until we decided to leave and my mother was sick. So instead of being able to go back home to Connecticut, we had to stay another night at the hotel. I understand she's sick but it's a sickness she could have prevented. She bitches and yells and tells me not to smoke yet she can go and down a half bottle of tequilla? It's her life and I don't try and force her decisions, I try not to even judge but what gives her the right to try and force my decisions? I had to extend my stay and take care of her and my brother because of her choices. Yet I don't even get to make my own decisions? If I'm old enough to take care of a 10 year old and a drunken 43 year old, should I not be able to take care oof myself? Make my own mistakes? Deal with stress the way I would like too? Its just funny that she thinks she can make better decisions for me than I can make for myself. Please just let me live as I please you hypocrite.

Some Bestfriend Huh?

It's as if I have become obsolete in your life. We used to be as one, the way we talked, the way we moved, and the way we'd hold each other and forget that the rest of the world even existed. Yet, now what am I to you; just a memory? In my eyes you'll always be more then a memory. You were my best friend, I would have died for you and now we don't even speak. Why? Was I not good enough to be a part of your fucked up little world? I helped you through so much and I deicated myself to you. It sounds intense but it really was. You promised me you'd always be here for me, yet where are you now? I never wanted to get close to you and you knew that. I told you about all the people that had hurt me and all the people that had broke my trust and you promised you'd never be one of them. You made me bealive that you were different and that you were truly there for me, silly me. You even forced up some tears telling me of how much you never wanted to leave my side and how happy I made you. I never wanted more than your friendship and now you won't even write me back. Don't I deserve a little more then small talk? We haven't even spoke in months and it's not because I didn't try. I tried on countless occasions but after a while its tiring. I have feelings too and they have been hurt so many times. My biggest mistake was letting my guard down like I promised myself I would never do. And you proved to me that I should never let my guard down again.

All I know is that I can change, everything else just stays the same.

why does it always seem like im all alone, like i dont have anyone else in the world ? I've been blaming others for me being alone, yet I'm starting to feel like it's me not them. I feel like I cant open up to anyone. I dont know why, I mean i want to but everytime I try to talk this wall goes up. I think it's because I'm afraid of getting let down again. I feel like if I open up to someone and then I don't end up feeling any different, it becomes another issue to be concerned about. I really wish I could find someone that I knew I could trust. It's so hard to let people in and I don't know how to change it. Until I learn how to trust people I think I'll be carrying this pain around with me forever all by myself.

2 is the lonliest number?

So I've been having such a crappy week. I've just been really depressed again and thinks haven't been as fun. I need my best friend more than anything and yet once again she's not there. She always says that shes here for me no matter what yet she doesn't even know how I'm feeling because she hasn't even bothered to show concern. Well today i was on a park field trip and on the bus ride there i sat next to someone who until today i thought was just another person. Well some things happened that resulted in us talking, like really talking. He told me alot about what he was going through and it made me relieze i wasn't the only person who feels the way i do. He made me feel better even though he may not know it. I still felt alone but it made me feel like we were alone together.

this house is not a home

She hates being here. She hates being able to hear them fight. People say there's no place like home. Well for me it's true. Home is a place where happiness comes very seldomly and where nobody ever seem to get along. So although some people define home as a loving and caring place, i see it as a place where i am forced to go after my day is over. It's a place where i cry myself to sleep almost every night. I love going out here and there every day but towards the end i am overcome with the saddest feeling in the world because i know that i'll have to return home eventually. So yes i must agree there is no place like home.

You're Not my One and Only

So my life has been real crazy lately. No bad crazy but fun crazy. The school year is coming to an end and I already have that summer feeling. I've been out having fun no worrying too much about life, I've been relaxed. I feel pretty confident this year that I won't become depressed like I have in the past. I've been going to school willingly and I haven't even complained. I think it has alot to do with the people I've been hanging out with. I have a bunch of different groups of friends not just one clique. I've been mixing it up. The only problem is that Sam seems to think that I'm not making enough time for her, well sorry. When we stopped being friends my world didn't stop. I kept going and I'm not going to work my schedule around hers. I have other friends and she doesn't deserve all of my time. I love her to death, she's my best friend but it feels like she gets jealous when I spend time with other people, I don't like that. It makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like she's giving me an ultimatium and it's not fair. She has Nikki and everywhere we go she's there and yet she gets mad when I don't want to spend every waking moment with them. Well maybe Nikki isn't my favorite person, maybe I can't spend alot of time with her. I'm best friends with Sam and I think sometimes she thinks that that means I'm best friends with Nikki too, but that's not ture. I like Nikki I do but sometimes she brings down my mood and I can't deal with that, not when things are going so good for me. Well I guess that's all the complaining I have to do today.
<33