Youre a fake as the people you claim to hate..

So college. I started out strong. Big mistake. Making friends and having fun shouldn't have been my priority because now that its gone, it hurts. Funny thing is I thought that our friendship meant something to you. I get it not everything lasts but honestly after everything you're going to go and be a hypocrite. We've sat up and talked and gotten to know each other. I've sat and listened to you vent about how fake people turn out to be and how happy you are to at least have me here. So what happened tonight? You got your so called fake friends back and all of a sudden our friendship means nothing. You turned out to be just as fake as you say they all are. I guess you deserve their friendship then. It just sucks that I trusted you and thought that I could consider you a best friend. I'm trying not to be dramatic about the situation but how can I not be? Like I honestly don't care what you do, but don't come complaining to me when everything goes wrong again. I helped you through alot and you've helped me as well but after tonight I don't think I can ever trust you like before. Tonight I was ignored and treated as if I didn't even exist to you. I don't own you I know that but I think I at least deserve an explanation. I just don't need this now and you know that but whatever I get it. Once a fake always a fake.

And the World Spins Madly On

Why does it always come down to this? Everything just crashing down around me all at once? I swear I'm a good person and I've always thought myself to be one of the strongest people around but how strong am I really? I hate feeling like this, hopeless and alone. But as I take a look around the fact of the matter is that I am alone. I don't have anyone I feel close to. Is that my fault? Did I push these people away? Was I too honest? Or not honest enough? Why is it I sit here night after night with this horrible feeling of abandament? Why do I loose everyone I love? I tried letting my guard down and letting people into my life, but for what? They aren't here now are they? I've tried to deal saying fuck this and fuck that but I was just putting up walls; walls that hid my true feelings and kept them bottled up inside me. People always say you should not put walls up, you should let your feelings out. But what if no one is willing to listen? Is it worth letting my feelings out if I'm the only one who hears them? I don't believe so, it just makes the pain worse and more real. I'm better off living a lie and forcing fake smiles and good times. I've expierenced feelings of happy but for what? It was almost a tease. I was happy then but I ended up sad and lonely again and this time it's even worse because I knew what true happiness felt like. I'm not asking to be happy all the time I know that's impossible but it would be nice just to smile and laugh and not have that horrible aching pain in my stomach. I want to be able to trust people and let people in but I can't not after everything I've been through. My trust has been broken. People have made promises that were never kept and I can't deal with being lied to, so I keep my distance and hide my true self behind a cloud of smoke or behind the bitter taste of liquor. It's easier this way I think, to pretend. Getting high let's me be someone else, it let's me feel numb. And numb is better then having to face reality and feel the agony. This is the way I've come to live my life and why shouldn't I live it this way. Life hasn't given me any reason to stop, so what difference does it make? Nothing really matters anymore, not to me anyway. I'll just sit back and let life take its' course until it wears me down to nothing but ashes.