So I would love to know why u can respond ti my blogs but can't answer me anywhere else , I know you probably wont believe me bc I've lied so many times before but I just want to talk to you . Do I still I've you , yes I always will but what I miss most is out friendship I have a lot of good friends but you actually understood me and when I get sad I just wanna talk to you because you'll understand and care more than anyone else I know . I miss my best friend the one that told me I deserved better and told me I don't deserve the bullshit . II've literally tried everything I possibly could to get you to talk and I still try because no matter how much it hurts me when you don't respond your still the one I wanna talk to the most especially when I need a good heart to heart so I keep trying . I even tried emailing you hoping I'd get a response but I shoulda known better. And I'm not run selfish I wanna hear about your life too I hate not knowing about how your doing and how your feeling. We used to talk about everything and now nothing and it's hard ... I just really really really miss my best friend

Dear you, I haven't been on in awhile since my last post actually and I read what ou had to say and I hear you. Honestly you're the only one who gets me even now. I wish things were different I wish I hadn't been such a huge fucking failure. I wish you were still l here, but you're right I need to work on getting sober and from this day on imma work my hardest to be sober I'm even going to go to rehab because I know that's what I need. Reading everything you wrote made me brake out into tears instantly because I know how right you are. I just wish I listened to you sooner. I really do more than anything. Just today I was telling my "friends" how I wish things ended differently between me and you because when u look back at us I want you I remember the good times but I know you won't be able to as clearly because of all the horrible shit I put you through. I wish I could of been stronger earlier because then there might still be a chance for me and you. Please believe me when I say that even now you make me want to be strong because I know you were one of the few people who actually cared about me in my life . Believe me when I say that i am going to try my hardest to be sober because I know I'm better than what I've become. I got a job and I plan on keeping it and getting my life back on track I just wish you were here to help me through all this and help me succeed. Even though I know that we've become nothing as a couple I'm doing this because of you, because you were and are the only person who believes I can do better. So I hope your life is everything you wanted it to be because I really do want the best for you even after everything. I love you now and always love me

I've ruined everything

This week should have been one of the best, most accomplished, saddest weeks of my life; but it wasn't. Everyone posting on twitter about bittersweet memories of leaving their fist year of college. I never finished mine, either semester. I know it's my fault and I think that's what makes it worse. I should be just moving back home, my parents should be proud and overwhelemed with joy that I'm home for the next four months. Nothings as I planned it. How is it that I could have fucked up my life this bad? Moving into college last semester was everything my mom had dreamed but me coming home early and living in her home again on drugs everyday was not how she wanted my life to go. That makes everythig worse. I had so many people in my life that wanted me to sucesseed and I let them down. I guess thats probably what makes my failure hurt so much worse. Everyone who ever put me first in life got let down by me in so many ways. I wish I could go back and change it all. What do I have now? My mother cant even look me in the eye becaue shes so disappointed in what I've become, the only girl I ever loved wont even speak to me, and my main concern with life is where I can find my next fix to get high. I have nothing left. I'm all drained out. Why did I let it get so bad? I miss how it used to be. I love my friends and I tell myself that I'm okay with how my life is going but it's all a big lie. I can't open up with anyone, I like hiding my fears and my saddness. The more I let people in, the more chance I have of getting hurt again, and I cant get hurt again. So many people have come and gone in my life and at the end of it all I'm the one left alone. I like being the one who is always cheerful because its easy. Its easy going through life saying im over it and pretending everythings okay. Things get too complicated when I don't. But it's hard sitting up night after night thinking about how unhappy I am. I've burned so many bridges with so many people. My life is going nowhere and I know that. I just wish I could change it all somehow and go back and do it all again. But for now I'll put on a smile and just try and make it through each day. One day it'll all be over and what's scary is I look forward to that day. People always talk about their fear of dying but its something I longed for more than anything. I can't take the life I have built for myself anymore. I just want it all to end.