Screaming to the Deaf

why can't you see how much this is making me hurt. I'm telling you how much suffering this program is putting me through. Why can't you stop focusing on what you want and focus on what i want. What i need. You can't seem to grasp the fact that this program is fallin apart piece by piece. It's not helping at all. I cant relate to any of the other people. They dont understand me, nor do the doctors. They think they do, they try and analyze me and tell me whats wrong but they dont know all they have is book knowledge. They haven't expiernced what I've felt. Yet they sit there and tell me what will help and what I need to fix. I'm not perfect and I'm implying that I am I'm just saying that I know who I am and by knowing that I should know what helps me. Please just listen to what I'm saying, really listen. Don't listen and think that I'm just venting or complaining, because I'm not. I truly feel that in the end this program will put so much stress on me that one day I'll just give up, or I'll crack. Please listen I'm screaming for help and you can't hear me but your only listening to what you believe to be true.

Day 1, When Will it End?

Today was the first day of that intensive outpatient program. Let me tell you it was horrible. I went and i tried and tried to keep a open mind but it was horrible. Every single other person there was stupid...like literallly stupid. They were all immature and they talk like they just learned english. This made the supervisors talk to everyone like they were 5. I hated it i was too mature for that. It made me want to screammm...like people seriously need to learn how to grow up. It was soo frustrating. Not only that but by the time i got home i was soo tired I didn't want to do anything which sucked because i had so much homework. I hate this. What makes it all worse is that I get barely any sleep at all. So I'm naturally tired anyway going to school and then right to this program doesn't help. It's just putting more stress on me. I feel like I'm slowly falling behind and I hate it. I hate having to leave school early every day. I know that the school will work with me but I want to do everything at the same speed as everyone else. I don't want special treatment. I want to attend school six hours a day and then be able to come home, do home work, and then still have time to relax. I'm too overwhelmed as it is I don't need any additional stress. I just want to go to school and live like any "normal" teenager. I hate it and I want things to go back.

Don't Fear the Unknown, Embrace It

I'm over it. Over all of it. I'm over the pain, the drama, the fear, and the sadness. I've given up on all that. From now on I'm done feeling. I'm done caring. I'm done trying to fix things that are impossible to fix. It's not worth trying anymore. I'm going to sit here thinking about what was or what could have been. I'm not going to think about what will be or what is. I'm not going to think about any of it. I'm finished. Let life control me I'm done trying to take control because in the end its not worth it we all die anyways. Some sooner than others. People say that life is like a roller coaster but in fact that's not true. A roller costar is a ride you ride for about a minute or so and it gets all your adrenaline pumping. But life is much longer and a lot less fun. Plus at the end of a roller coaster you get to get off but with life it just ends, you never know when it's going to end or how. It just does. Some fear death. But why fear something that sets you free. Something that takes the pain of the world away. Me, I'm not afraid of death, I welcome it with open arms. Death is one thing I've never been afraid of because when you're dead you no longer feel the heaviness of the world. Your soul is light and it's free. You don't have to worry about anything. You aren't surrounded by misery. I've asked people why they fear death and some people say because it means your life is over. But i believe dying is the start of a better life. A carefree life. One full of peace and love. One where no matter what happens you always have hope. But i could be wrong death could be just as horrible as life, i don't know for certain. I can only hope. I can only hope that once i escape this life I'll move on to a better one.

Your Life, Not Mine

you say im not safe to stay home alone but tell me how it helps for you to drag me all over bumble fuck land. i have to live your life not mine. how is that helping i cant even do as i please i have to do what you have to do. thats fucking insane obviously there's more wrong with you than there is me. because thinking that will work it fucking crazyy. i dont want your life. i want mine but i cant live my life. whether im dead or alive doesnt really matter anymore because either way im not living. im just an unimportant object being dragged along to watch you live your life while i just waste away.

All Alone with Nothing, Not Even the Memories

it's official there is like nothing left in my room. it's funny how she cleaned out my room because they gett all suspicious because i take down posters or decide to redecorate. yet they can change EVERYTHING. its funny it really really is. people think they know what's best for me but how can they know when i dont even know. Everyone thinks they know how to keep me safe but i hate to burst that buble but they dont. they arent even close. but applause to them for trying. the thing that gets me the most is that they took all my pictures..if i wasnt alone before i deff am now i dont even have the memories to remind me of better times. whatever i dont even give a fuckkk you can box up all my stuff and never leave me alone but let me tell you it makes now difference to me anymore.

You're the One I Need

You're my angel. My everything. You make me smile when all i want to do is cry. You make feel safe when I'm scared and lonely. You make me feel warm in a world so cold and dark. You always know what to say and when to say it. You always there for me even when i feel like I'm all alone. No matter what i do or say your always there for me. We may fight and not always agree but that's what makes us friends. You talk me out of the stupid things i want to do and you never expect anything in return. You never give up on me even when i've given up on myself. You make me feel like im the most important thing in the world and that i come first. I've never felt like that. I've always been second best but in your eyes i feel like i'm the greatest. Whether this is true or not doesnt matter, i dont want to know the truth. Because i dont want that feeling to ever disappear. I Love You. <3>

Fake a Smile, Because it Cant Get Much Worse.

So i talked my mom out of actually putting me in a hospital except i had to settle for something which is not any better. I have to join a program that is everyday from 1-5. Not only is it 4 hours a day id have to get out of school at 12 everyday because it takes an hour to get there. Which is ridiculous because I'll be missing two whole Classes. Plus i have drama at night and i wont have enough time to do homework. I'm bound to fall behind in school. Which will put way more stress on me then i need. So though this program is supposed to be helping me, it wont because it'll make my stress level rise. The irony is that it's suppose to help me cope with stress not add to it. I cant even object to it either because then they'll throw me in some hospital which i don't need. They are taking my freedom away from me. Plus my mom cleaned out my room and took literally almost everything out of it. My picture frames, my Cd's, my DVDs, my hair products, pens, pencils, EVERYTHING. It's suppose to keep me safe but it just leaves me in a room that doesn't even feel like my own. I don't feel comforted there anymore, i feel like I'm laying in someone else's world. It's weird its like I'm a visitor in someone else's room. The funny thing is though i didn't use any of those things to try and "harm" myself. They didn't even come close to finding any of it. Which totally defeats the purpose of destroying my room. Sadly for them, I'm too clever and i think of everything. They just keep taking things away and pushing things on me that wont help me at all. They just keep making it worse.
Up side to today though: i made cup cakes =]

Do What Makes You Happy

people say that america is a free country but in truth it's a huge fucking lie. i say i dont need a hospital u say youll force me i have no say in what happens to me anymore. they make my decidions as if i dont have amind of my own. they say they need to keep me safe but who are they to decide whats safe the dont know me enough to determine that. they want me to give up two things i enjoy more than anything in the world just to keep me safe. but after its all said and done dont you agree that me not having those things to fall back on will just me back in the same place. i do. i dont think a hospital will change anything all it will do is make it worse. and im sorry but if i dont want to do something its stupid for you to think it will help me. you say it has helped others but im unique im not like anyone else. im me and i dont even know who me is because people keep trying to change me and tell me who i am. but you do what makes you feel better i wouldnt want to harm your perfect life. do what makes you and everyone else happy dont even consider my feelings or my wishes. you never have in the past..why start now?


P.S
dear you know who you are,
im sorry for over reacting last night i know you care about me and just dont want me to get hurt and i thank you.
i love you
love, me

Broken

what the fuck i trusted you and you let me down. shockerrr. u were the one person i cared about my one last hope and you let me down. i dont want to go back there and now they may be forcing me to go all because of youuu. ur were supposed to be my angel but u went behind my back and betrayed me . if i make it through the night and wake up to a world or misery at least this time i'll have someone to blame

....

its killing me i cant think i cant feel its eating away at my skin. i cant live like this when will it end ? i dont know what to do. im numb no one can save i can only save myself i can only release myself from this misery i call life. it has to end it just has to. i cant do it anymore i cant pretend i cant keep the little feeling of hope i have left in my head its all over all of it the pain the suffering its needs to end and soon i cant go on wishing and wishing itll go away because it wont and it never will i need to stop pretending and just end it once and for all. im weak i cant survive like this.


Things i'll miss:
my familyy
my mom
my dogg
kevin bowman
the smell of the air after it had rained
the sound of thunder
music
the long trips to vermont
the taste of cotton candy at a county fair
&& the smell of addiction.

Better As a Memory

Have you ever wanted to just scream on the top of your lungs and fuck what everybody else thinks? I have. But i started to think, if i did would it really make a difference? Would anyone really take time out of their lives to listen? I don't believe they would. Sadly, i feel like this every day. I feel like i'm screaming for help but no one hears. They can't see my pain through their shallow eyes. They only see what they want to see. They only hear what they want to hear. There are a small amount of people who can hear me but are they really listening to what i'm saying, or are they hearing a lie? It's hard to really listen to someone when you have so much more important things to worry about. Homework. Sports. Lovers. Family. There's a list of things on your mind that are more important. But you'd think after all these years you'd make time for a "friend" who is in much need of your comfort. But you don't think. You only think of yourself. You dont want to bother with me when i'm in this state. You want me to become "normal" again so i can help you through your pointless problems about him. Well i'm done i cant be friends with a person who cares more about a guy who has betrayed you more times than i can even count. A guy who pressures you into sex and drugs. Go be with him and be happy. I'm fine without you. But let me just say that when you call me crying because he left you again i won't have sympothy for you. Not any at all. Becuase i need you now and you don't care. So that it's i'm done caring. All that's left of you and me is memories.

It's Only Life

Why. It's a question i will carry with me for the rest of my life. No matter what, it'll always be there mocking me and reminding me of a time when i was weak. I can't erase it, it'll always be there under my sleeve. No matter how my life changes i'll always have that as a reminder of how much i failed. I gave into temptation. I can't rewind my life, so there's no point in wishing i could. I can't dwell on what happened i have to live in the present. I have to learn from the many wrong choices i've made. I have to m o v e on.

One Last Breathe

Shes crying, and she can't stop. Nothing can comfort her now she's too far gone. She cant focus, or think or even speak. She feels like she's drowning in a sea so full of sharks that are ready to eat her alive. She's weak, she doesn't know who to turn to. She starts to cry harder as she sees the blood trickle from her wrist. She isn't feeling sadness,misery or loneliness, all she feels is pain. That's all she want to feel, she wants to drift away into a pain that is so bad that she doesn't feel the emotional sorrow that is going through her head. She wishes she hadn't done it, but it's too late now. She's slowly loosing the long battle called life. She doesn't mind though she hasn't been good at anything, why should life be any different. She failed and that's all she can focus on. All she wants to do is sleep. She wants to dream. Dream of a place that is so different from here. A place so magical and alive, full of rainbows and ice cream. She wants to dream forever. She hopes to live in this dream forever. She never wants to awake.

it'll all be over soon

These last few days have been really tough for me. Depression has been following me around for days and it never seems to leave. No matter where i am or who i'm with it's always with me. It isn't always obvious because i've been living with it for so long that i know how to hide my true feelings. Yet it never leaves. I feel like i'm watching myself in a movie like i'm not really there. I'm not really expierencing my life, im sitting on the sidelines watching. Lots of things are happening but i cant do anything to stop them. No matter how hard i try i have no power over my life or what's happening to me. Something has to change, my story needs to change. I dont want to be another suicidal teen. I want to survive and i want to make it through. Yet i'm fighting a hopeless battle. It's me against the world. And the said truth is, in time, i'll loose. And then there will be nothing left to live for. And that's how my story will end. Just like that. There wont be any goodbyes or so longs. Just like that it'll end. No one will no how and no one will no why. No one has the answers, not even me. Once i've finally come to my total defeat, my world will come to and end once and for all.

People always leave

today someone i know asked me if i was okay and i responded with not quite but i'm getting there. This is a total lie because i'm not getting better and anyone that truly knows me, knows that. But the girl who asked me was a simple and "happy" girl. I didnt want to upset her and tell her i wasnt okay. She didnt need to know i wasnt because i dont need her pity. And if i had told her the truth, that i wasnt getting better i still fight the urge to kill myself she would have felt bad for me and i dont need that. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me because it's my problem not theirs. And you may ask yourself, if you dont want pity then why post ur sorrow on a blog. I do it for me, no one else, if you dont like it or dont agree with what i say dont read it. I write for me and only me. And my pain and suffering is only mine. It's the only thing in my life i can rely on. It's the only thing i know that will be there the next day when i wake up. There isn't much else i can rely on. I cant rely on friends or family. I can't rely on hope or dreams. I can't even rely on myself. The only things i can truly rely on is my pain, my suffering, and my scars. Those three things will always be in my life. No matter what anyone else says, i'll always have those miserable feelings and the reminder of my past pain. People always tell me to have hope and have faith. But how can they tell me to have all those things when the next day they wont be there to see me through the misery. Dont tell me how to run my life when really deep down you dont really care, you're just being nice. You dont need to be nice i'm a big girl and i can handle you not caring, because in truth know one really cares. Not even me

Your choice, My life

Today i met a new therapist. I already have a perfectly fine therapist that im working with but my mother and her feel i need more "support." Of course they never really asked me what i wanted to do but i guess it's fine right? No, its not fine i dont want to see anymore therapists i like the women im seeing now and they want to go and change everything again. How do they know how much help i need that should be my decision not theres. They want me to see this new therapist so she can find a group thats SHE feels is right for me. And like my mother and old therapist shes not going to ask me my preferance. Personially i dont want to work with this new therapist or start a group. Ive tried groups before and i dont like them. All they do is waste time and they dont even help me. First of all everyone has to sit in a circle which i hate because i feel like everyones watching me. I dont like talking to people in general and they want me to pour my heart out to total and complete strangers. And i have to listen to their problems too. I dont care about their problems. I know that sounds shallow but im not a paid therapist and i have enough of my own problems already that i dont need theirs floating around in my head too. And i'm a sensative person, i'm not going to deny that and when i hear their problems i start to feel sorry for them. And that prevents me even more from opening up because their problems may be worse and i dont want them to feel like im complaining about nothing. Now i know i shouldnt care about what complete strangers think but they have their own problems and i dont want to add to their stress, just like i dont want them to add to mine. Plus by going to this group and new therapist i cant see my old therapist until the group is over. Which in my opinion is ridiculios because the old therapist knows me and who i am. She knows when i'm not feeling myself and when i dont want to talk. She gets me more than any other therapist ever has and now i have to stop seeing her until after this six month group is over. I've had alot of therapists in my life but never one like her. I can talk to her openly without thinking about what i'm going to say. And they're taking that away from me. Don't they get that no matter how many useless sessions i have with this new lady, that it's not going to make a difference. I want to tell them how i feel but i can't disappoint my mother. She is trying so hard for me to get better. I know that i never will but my mom still has hope. And when i dont try something she suggests she gets mad at me and yells like its my fault i'm not getting better. I'm trying everything i can but i know that me leaving my old therapist won't be helpful. I guess I'll have to deal. I'm used to being let down.

you could have saved me

Today was the day i realized he wasn't just a friend to me. He was more, much much more. He was my savior, my comfort, my best friend, my everything. And i know this sounds like a typical girl falls for guy, guy doesn't notice girl, girl watches him from a distance, guy and girl fall in love at the end. But unlike this story we wont fall in love. Why? Because this is real life. My life. And in my life the girl never gets the right guy. She gets the guy that uses her for her body or the guy that trys to change who she is, the guy that puts her down and takes her confidence. Just for once i want it to be different i want to get the guy who loves me for me and wouldn't want me any other way. I want a guy to look at me like I'm the only person in the world who can make him smile. But I'm not getting my hopes up because i know that its all in my head. Ive created my own little fairytale. So I'll sit idly by doing nothing when deep down i know he may be the one that can save me. Because when he hugs me i never want him to let go. I feel safe, comforted, ..loved.

what started as just a friday morning.

friday.
People look at friday as one of the best days of the week. For kids its the last day of school before the weekend, for young adults it's the night they go out and party, and to regular working class adults it's the last day of the work week. Yet to me it's the longest day of the week. After getting up at six five days in a row i dont wanna get ready and have to go to school. Most of the time i dont mind it but today ..was one of those fridays. From the time i got up this morning i was counting the minutes until i could go home and lay in bed for hours. Now you may classify me as lazy but that's fine because honestly i'm done caring what others think. My day did not get much better as it went on. The moment i stepped into school i wanted to step right back out again. Don't get me wrong i have great friends waiting to greet me in the halls but they don't fully understand me or where my thoughts are. They don't understand how im feeling even when i speak simply. And again dont get me wrong, my friends arent stupid, theyre actually very smart, but they havent lived my life and they dont know what ive been through. The rest of the school day was a big blurr i wasnt really there. The most disappointing thing about this particular friday is when i got home and finally got to lay in the only real place i feel safe, it didnt feel satisfying. I still wasnt happy and what i hated the most is i dont know why. It could be because my so called best friend hasnt returned my texts or calls in over a week for no particular reson. Or it could be that my parents are so unhappy that getting divorced wouldnt change anything. Or maybe its because i lay awake every night fighting off the temptation to cut. It may have even been because i feel like im falling for a guy that i know will just make my life worse. Whatever it is, it's stopping me from being able to be who i am. It's like im wearing a mask, one only i can see. One that i cant seem to take off no matter how hard i try. Ive been wearing this mask for so long that i dont even seem to know who i really am. I cant remember what it's like to feel happiness or even sadness. Ive been behind this mask for so long that i dont think i'll ever be able to be set free.

numb

Why does she feel so alone in a world full of people?
Why does she feel so much pain in a world so full of happiness?
Why does she feel scared in a world thats so safe?
Why does she feel trapped in a world so open and vast?
Why does she feel broken in a world so whole?
Why can't she feel in a world so fulling of feelings?
She doesn't know the answers to these questions but she knows that one day these answers wont matter bc she'll be in a world full of things that make her feel welcome and safe. She'll never understand this life and one day she'll be able to escape from it.

trapped.

She walks down the halls like no one could ever hurt her but the truth is shes already hurt. She goes around wearing a smile so big and yet so fake. She talks to you like nothing's wrong but deep down its all a lie. She doesnt know how to act shes been told so many lies. She's tried to pretend it'll all go away but deep down she knows its too late. Nothing could change the way she feels towards the world. She hates the feeling of being trapped. She's tried to escape time after time but nothing has worked. She has lost hope. Nothing could save her now. It's all over for her.