Thursday, October 23, 2008

Through Glass

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How much is real? So much to question. An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything. When thought came from the heart, it never did right from the start. Just listen to the noises, no more sad voices. Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene, remember it's just different from what you've seen. - Stone Sour

Those are probably my favorite song lyrics of all time. They say so much with so little words. Granted the song is amazing anyways but this is my favorite verse. It really touches me i guess, if that's the right word. I can relate to it a grate deal. When reading it without the rest of the song it does not make the same impact but it still says a lot. It tells of someone that is judging another person. Yet, this person has no right to judge because those two people are similar or the same in some sense. It is kind of like the saying people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, except it has much deeper meaning. The words are all so real and full of emotion. In a way this song is like the soundtrack to my life. I'm dealing with a lot of different issues. One of them being that so many different people are judging me, when they face the same difficulties I do. They aren't any better then I am. Were all the same in some way. And for you to sit there on your pedestal and judge me, is not right. Step down, baby, because you don't belong. Your not perfect and neither am I. I don't deserve to be looked down upon or pitied. I am who I am and for the most part I'm proud of that. I have made mistakes but I'm willing to stand up to them and learn from them. I don't consider myself any better then anybody else and that's how it should be. There is no need to judge or ridicule others. Because in the end it won't matter what anybody thought of you, all that will really matter is what you thought of yourself.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Serenity

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These last few days I have been feeling unexplainable happy. Well, maybe that's not the word but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel loved and appreciated. I feel like I matter to people. I thank those around me that have been there for me these past few days you have really made them great. I feel untouchable. It's amazing because I haven't felt like this in awhile and strangely it's comforting. I just hope it lasts.

On another note, there's less than a month until I go to Florida for my cousins wedding. =] I'm very excited. I've been waiting for this trip for a long time and it's slowly approaching. I love weddings. It's a great time to spend time with family and just dress up and have fun. It's like an excuse to dance. I just hope everything on this trip goes smoothly. I really need a good vacation.

And lastly, I would just like to say that I've learned a lot in life. And lately I've been able to appreciate that. So I would just like to thank everyone who helped me get to where I am. I'm grateful for your patience and kindness and I hope that I've influenced your life also.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Wish you Were

Were friends but i want so much more. Your laugh. your smile i love everything about you. Everything you do makes me smile more and more each day. We've been friends for a a while now and just recently I started looking at you differently. I realized that I could see me and you together. I'll never look at you the same again. Of course I can't tell you how I feel because if you didnt feel the same way it would create a akwardness between us, and I deffinately don't want. I want us to stay friends. So for now I'll just keep my feelings to myself. But deep down I'll be secertly wishing that I could be in your arms, feeling your sweet embrace, feeling loved and cared for.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Gone, but Never Forgotten

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Today for religion class, I had to write a "gospel" about someone close to me. I thought long and hard about who it should be about and I settled on the choice of my grandfather. He died when I was 12 and I miss him more and more as time goes by. I was very close to him and when he died I lost someone I loved very much. He was the first person close to me that died and his death hit me hard. He was very sick for some time but no one is ever really prepared for some one's death. When I first heard that he had passed away I was home and had a lot of my friends here. Normally I don't feel comfortable crying in front of people but that day I didn't care; I cried and cried for hours and I let them all comfort me. It was nice having my friends there to comfort me but they didn't understand what I was going through. Who I really needed to be with was my family. So that night we traveled up to Vermont. That week was one of the saddest weeks on of my life. I cried for hours and hours, not caring who saw. He was my only grandparent that I was ever really close to. The only grandparent I had ever really connected with. He meant the world to me. My cousins were there for me and I was grateful for that but what I really needed was to figure out how to cope on my own. That week was also one of the greatest weeks of my life, because my family was all together. We all live in different parts of the country and it was nice to have them all there at a time like that. We laughed, we cried, we talked. It was a different experience for me than I had ever thought it could be. I thought that being a time of mourning people wouldn't want to talk and laugh, but on the contrary, they wanted to do it more. They wanted to laugh and remember, and we did. It was nice, I felt like it helped me cope better with his death. It made me realize that him dying didn't have to be all sad because we still had the memories from when he was with us. I thank my family for being me in that time of need. They really stuck by me and I am eternally grateful. I still miss my Grandpa Mac more than anything and I would do anything to have him be alive to see me grow up. He always said that he wanted to see all of his grandchildren graduate high school. Sadly he didn't get his wish, but he did get to experience so much more with us and I know that the day I graduate he'll be watching down from heaven. He was my hero when he was alive and he is my hero now. I'll never forget him and I'll let him live on through my memories.

And These Things Will Change

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Not everything turns out the way I want it to and I understand that, but it's hard for me to accept it. I've been trying so hard to do my best but nothing seems good enough. It's not working out as planned. I have trouble accepting things that do not turn out the way I want them to. I guess I'm just not open to different solutions or outcomes, but I can't help it. I've tried to be different but I see everything black and white and I always have. I can't help it. And the more I try and the more i fail, it's just getting more and more disappointing. I don't know how to change. I can't seem to wrap my mind around not doing as well as I planned. I can't accept anything lower than my standards, and it's starting to wear me down. The more I fail the more I want to give up, but I can't give up it's not an option. If I gave up, then what would I have? Nothing, not even the feeling of dissapointment, but I wouldn't have the feeling of being proud either. So what's the solution? I don't know. Does anybody really? How is it that I can be so confused over something as simple as just doing my best and being proud. I guess it also has to do with having little self esteem. I can't help this feeling, but I wish I could, and one day maybe I'll be able to.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Cherish the Small Things in Life, They Make all the Difference

Plain and Simple; today sucked. I had more homework to do and I was all prepared to do it, but then of course I got another stomach ache. I get them alot, I can barely even move, so I had alot of trouble concentrating. I finally got my report done though so that was good, plus I feel like i did really well on it. I did not get all that I wanted to get done though. I got done all that was due tomorrow though, which is good that way I'm not too behind. Plus my dog got loose today which does not happen often but when it does it's never my fault. It's always one of my other family members because they are not careful enough. Plus when she got loose my mom yelled at me when she was the one who did not shut the door tight enough. I'm so tired and the sad thing is it's only seven. The only thing that is keeping me awake is knowing that One Tree Hill is on tonight. =] It's the little things in life that really make the difference.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Road Block

So as I said in my previous blog I had lots to do today. Luckily I cleaned quickley and I did a good amount of homework, so then I made plans to go to dinner tonight with Mikki and Victor. I was going to ask my mom to bring us. But then my mom got home from work and I guess she had been in some kind of accident. I dont believe it was that bad because you can't even tell from her car but i wouldn't know because she came in and wouldn't even say boo to me. Now I know I should be sensative to her feelings or whatever but I can't when she won't tell me what happened. Plus now I can't go tonght which yes I know is very selfish of me to say, but now I can't ask her because she locked herself in her room, plus it would be kind of rude seeing as she's upset. But I was really looking foward to dinner. I haven't seen Victor in a while and we always have so much fun. Plus I've been sick in the house all week it would have been nice to get out and have some fun. I know it's horrible to say but like I'm kind of upset with my mother. I wish she would tell me what's up, that way I can see if I can at least go to Mikki's. Yet she won't answer me when i talk. I guess I should let her relax, I just wish my plans didn't have to be ruined too.

All Work and No Play.

Ohh gosh. I have so much to do today and no time to do it in. First i'm going to my brothers game which is a 12..i'm never going to be ready either. Plus i have to clean, fisnish my room, and do all my make-up work. I haven't started any of it =/. Luckily I'm starting to feel better but I am not motivated to do any of these things. Yet they have to get done. Not only does all that have to get done but "best friend" mikki is coming over today. She's just peachy. She always has to be doing something, I just want to have a relaxing day where we talk and maybe I can get some shit done. Well I have much more on my mind to vent about, yet no time, i have to get ready for my brother's game. Joyy.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

It's Coming Together Nicely.

Today I started to re-do my room. Well technically i didn't re-do it I started painting. Not painting my whole room, but painting little poems and song lyrics. It's coming out nice and I really like it because I haven't really had anything on my walls in a while. I took all my posters done at the beginning of the summer and then i put up my morbid drawing, yet my mom took those down a few weeks ago. So I've been contemplating what should go there for awhile. Then I decided that I really like it different poems and words if you will. So just like that I started to write down little paragraphs all around my room. Some are from songs I like, some are from One Tree Hill, and some are just little quotes I've read here and there. It's a very long process though because I have a very small room and so many words. Plus I have so many favorite quotes and songs that it's hard to choose, but I have and I'm satisfied for the most part. The only thing I'm worried about now is that my mom's going to make me take it all down. She doesn't like when I write on my walls, she says it's disrespectful, but I like it. It's more personal than a poster or words on a piece of paper. It's a lot more. It's who I am and it's how I feel and what I believe. Hopefully she'll accept it and move on. It's not permanent paint so if I ever did want to remove it I could. I finally feel like I'm taking back my room, and my life. Try and stop me.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

For Now, All the Future Holds for Me, is Me.

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Have you ever asked yourself who you want most to make it to your future? I have. And i never can settle on an answer. Some people don't deserve to make it to my future and some deserve it too much. But that doesn't matter. What matters is who i want most next to me when my dreams come true or when i find peace. Once i knew that i wanted my best friend with me all my life. Sadly, we didn't last as friends. Why? She wasn't mature enough to let me in and make me understand what was going on with her. And I wasn't mature enough to handle her being distance. We haven't been friends since last summer and honestly since her i haven't felt that close to anyone. She was always there for me when i needed someone. Even when she didn't believe in the decisions i was making she always supported me. And she treated me like i was the most important person in the world. She always knew when i was down and what i needed. Whether it was a good movie, a pizza, or just some quiet time to talk, she always knew and she never had to ask. She was everything, my best friend, my sister. And now we don't even speak. For awhile i wished and hoped and prayed that she would call or email me but that day never came. And i've tried talking to her but i never get a response. And one day i relized it was never going to happen we were never going to be friends again. And our friendship was stronger than any other feeling i've ever expierenced. With her gone I can't see anyone significant enough to be in my future. No one compares to her. And it's sad because she knew me better than i knew myself. She was always part of my future plans. And it's so hard to move on, to replace her. Since her i haven't had a true bestfriend and i don't know when i will ever be able to trust someone like i trusted her. It's sad, but it's the truth. Deep down there's still a part of me that wants her to be in my future, to expierence my good time and my bad times. But i'll have to move on and create a new dream. But for now, honestly, the only true person i see in my future is me.

She Loves Him, He Loves Her Not.

Why?
Why does she always let him take advantage of her?
Him and her used to be good friends, they used to have a good relationship, but thats all over now. He texts her and a smile begins to spread across her sad little face. But why? Why does she smile? Deep down she knows he only wants her for one thing. They start to talk and it always ends the same way, he gets bored and ignores her. Yet why shouldn't he? She lets him do this time and time again and it's always the same. She never says no or ignores him, she gives in. She doesn't have enough willpower to say no. She doesn't have enough self respect. And each time she tells herself that he'll change, it'll be different this time. But it never is. And deep down she knows it never will. It'll always be this way. He will always have control. They used to love each other but that was a long time ago. It's just a memory and that's all it'll never be. He doesn't love her anymore. But does she love him? On some level, but not deep feelings. She wonders how it got like this and she has no answers. She doesn't know how to make it stop. It's gone to far. Without him she'll lack of compasion. Something she can't live without. But is it far that she has to settle for fake compasion? No, it isn't. When will it be her turn to be loved? To stop being used and to be cared for and loved. No one has the answers and until she finds out she has to keep living life trying to fight off the feeling of lost hope.