Merry Christmas Eve !

Today is Christmas Eve and let me tell you I'm pretty excited. I'm always excited for Christmas but for some reason, this year I'm more excited than usual. I haven't finished shopping yet lol but I'm going as soon as my dad gets home. I love Christmas shopping, I think it's because I like shopping for other people. Because then when I see them smile when they open the gift I know I put it there.
I hope I can find pajamas for my mom because every year me and my brother get Christmas Eve pj's. My mom usually gets them from her mom, but this year she doesn't think she's getting them and she's upset. So I'm hoping I can find some. I know it won't be the same, but it's the thought that counts.

Tonight were going to church as we do every Christmas Eve. I'm not a big fan of it but my mom likes it so we all go to make her happy. Then after we should be going to the Chinese restaurant for dinner. Although I'm not very excited about that because I like to just come home after church and just relax and spend time with everybody. Plus tonight I'm making rice crispy treats and I don't want to make them too late. I like to try and go to bed early because I'm usually up very early, like 4 am kinda early. I can't help it, deep down I'm still a little kid. =]

4 days till my birthday

Everything Happens for a Reason..Right?

Life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to and you have to learn how to except it and move on. I've always had trouble doing that because I never want good things to come to an end. Yesturday I had a lot of time to myself and I started thinking. I thought about all the past friendship I had lost and that the people that once meant everything to me, rarely even cross my mind anymore. When it comes down to it, it's very sad. All my life I've always had a group of friends that I was unusually close to, but I came to realize that the group of friends never stayed the same. I'd become close to people and they would move or we would eventually just become different people. I understand that over time people change. That's just a fact of life. Yet I've realized that some people that I used to love I no longer like at all. I can't understand what it was I loved so much about them. I spent almost everyday with them but when it comes down to true facts; what was it we talked about? What did we do? Because looking back we were always different, I never really truely fit in with anyone group. We had similarities and we got along, but I was always different. I either liked different music, or different activites. Not matter what is was there was always something that made me different from them. Even now with the group of friends I am really close with, I'm very different. They're concerned with what party to attend on the upcoming weekend and I care more about a paper that's due at school. I love them, I really do. But I have to ask myself, how long will it last? How long will we be able to stay as close as we are? Everything will change just like everything else has.

Snow =/

So today we had a snow day..finally. It was okay except Naugatuck was off to which kind of sucked because I wanted the house to myself but whatever. It's finally snowing which is nice but my mom isn't home yet because she is stuck in the snow. Hopefully she'll get home okay because if she has trouble she isn't going to be in a good mood and were supposed to make cookies. I like making cookies I just wish she would be in a good mood for it. It's officially freezing in my house also. It's ridiculous I think I might actually freeze to death here. So this snow day did not turn out the way I planned, it wasnt as enjoyable as I wanted it to be. And I just foun out that tickets for this concert I want to go to are all sold out. Concerts are like my thing. I love going to them and this was my favorite band. I've already seen them but I would love to see them again. It kind of sucks I'm hoping I can find them somewhere else. Well I guess that's all I have to report.

9 days until my birthday =]

Deja Vu

So I had this friend, a type of friend you spend every waking moment with. I might have mentioned her before. Me and her are no longer friends because of some stupid agrument. Well, last April her and I started talking again, keeping it casual and what not. Then I went into the hospital and when I came out I tried to contact her and she never got back to me. She ignored me when I saw her and she deleted me from her friends list on myspace. Well in the end I was the one who got hurt. Just like the time before. Well last night she called me, I was asleep, so I didn't answer. This morning I texted her and we talked for a while. It was nice but then all of a sudden she started to tell me how to love my life. Well, really she told me that she cared and didn't want me to ruin my life with the people I've been hanging out with. It may be true she might really care, but then I think if she really cared don't you think she would have called over all that time. Don't you think she would have at least called and checked up on me. No she didn't. And trust me I tried contacting her but after a while it wasn't worth it. Yet, today we talked for a while. Then tonight I went into Stop and Shop to get some things and she was working. We said our hellos and talked a while. Then we I left she texted me and so did Nikki, her girlfriend. They asked me if I wanted to hang out this weekend, and of course I accepted, knowing that in the long run I'll probaly be the one who gets hurt..again. I hope it's different, I hope they really care. I hope it won't be like the last time. Of course, I could confront her about this but something deep down stops me. I think it's because I'm so excited to have her in my life again that I don't want to do anything to screw it up. You may judge me for this and say that no one person is worth that much, but to me she is. She was my best friend, my sister. I know things will never be the way they were, and I've accepted that. Yet, it would be nice if we could be friends. I really miss her, I just don't want to get hurt again.

Life's A Bitch

So today were going to get our christmas tree. Which I love to do because then we get to decorate the tree and that is one of my favorite parts of Christmas. We were supposed to go at one and go and get it but of course my selfish father wants to wait until later because he has things to do. Well fuck him. Im going to go when I want to go. I find it funny that he thinks that he controls this house because in fact; it's me. It sounds like I'm being controlling but that's the truth. Things go as I want them no matter what he thinks or what he says. And what makes everything so much better is that he gets mad when I tell him what's actually going to happen like he has a choice. HA. yeah right. All my life I have had control why is it going to stop now. But what I like better is that I'll go along with his changes. But I'll be a total bitch all day which gets him really upset because he's such a drama queen. But I'll just be smiling because that's when he'll realize that he should have listened to me in the first place.


And in other news 15 days till my birthday. =]

17 Days

Well, as of today there are 17 days until my birthday. Every year I make a big deal about my birthday, because let's face is im a bit concieded. So having a whole day be about me is pretty great. I mean I know somewhere in the world more important things are happening but where I am, it's all about me. This year I have big plans because it's my 16th birthday. Although my mom threatened to take them away but frankly she won't. She would never ruin my day like that. She's not that cruel. So anyways in case your keeping track - 17 days. =]

Disadvantage

I hate how you treat me like I'm some pot smoking whore. Every time I go out you need to know everything. I understand your concerned but you act like I'm going to go and do something stupid. I'm smarter than that and you should know that. And what makes it worse is that you let him go off with complete strangers. I mean that's ridiculous. He is younger and way way way less mature. Plus you don't even know the people you're leaving him with. You don't even know their name. They could be rapists or killers. You don't know. But when I want to go out with a friend who you've known for over eleven years, you ask all these ridiculous questions. What does that say? It says that you don't trust me, and to my knowledge I haven't given you a reason to not trust me. I always do what I'm told and I always come home in one piece. You need to loosen up and recognize what your saying is unfair.

Ain't Nothing Gonna Break My Stride

So let me just start off by saying that i love the month of December. Snow. Christmas. Family. My Birthday. It has everything. Usually December doesn't start getting good until it's almost over, but this year it has been very enjoyable. I've been spending time with some friends that I have maybe been neglecting the past few months, and were having fun, like the old times. Everything just seems right for some reason. I feel like if December keeps going on like this, I'll be able to keep a smile on my face. The only thing that's missing is snow.*

Fuck You, You Whore.

You are such a whore. I never told you to your face because your my cousin, but after what you did you more then deserve that title. You were supposed to be her friend and then you go and date him like everything would be okay. It won't be okay, and i hope you know that. You betrayed her and I will not forgive you for it. Don't text me and tell me that everything is okay. Don't lie to me about it, that will just make it soo much worse. And do not ask me to hang out with you and him, that's more fucked up than anything. That would make me feel akward and you should know that. She's my best friend and you more than betrayed her so do not think I will take your side just becasue were family, it doesn't work like that. What you and him have is fake, and deep down you know that. He will always love her, they dated longer than 2 years and everyone knows that. And everyone respects that, but you her friend, doesn't. Fuck You.

My Life is a Mixed Tape

Music. It can tell a lot about who a person is and how they are feeling. For me music defines my life. I listen to everything, from alternative to country to rap to old school. I got it all on my ipod. But everyday I listne to something different depending on my mood. I always lay down, make a play list, and then just let it play over and over. Personially it's nice to listen to music you can relate to because you know your not the only one feeling the way you do.
Today my playlist is as follows:
1.)AFI - Bleed Black
2.)Avenged Sevenfold - Almost Easy
3.)Green Day - Brain Stew
4.)Hinder - Get Stoned
5.)My Morning Jacket - Highly Suspicious
6.)She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart
7.)The Black Crows - Hard To Handle
8.)The Used - Hospital
9.)Nickeback - Because of You
10.)Kate Voegele - Wish You Were
11.)Kate Voegele - You Can't Break a Broken Heart

So that completes it. Now these are SOME of my favorite songs ever. Most of these bands or artist aren't heard very much on the radio with the exception of Green Day and Nickelback. These songs may not be what's "in" at the moment, just because you can't shake your ass to it, but it's real. Every one of these artist's sings about something real, something meaningful and that's what makes their songs worth listening to.

Pinky Promise Kinda Friendship

You and me have known each other for a while. Just this year though, we started becoming close, real close.You have proven yourself to be a tremendous friend. We get along so well and I can trust you with my life, which trust me, means a lot. We always have the best time when were together and I feel like we've known each other forever. It's not weird or awkward when were sitting, just watching a movie, its comfortable. Right now I really need comfortable in my life and I thank you for providing me with it. Honestly I just want to say thank you for being my friend when I really needed someone.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I'm sorry but I would like to know why you think you can use me the way you plan to. You IM and I respond being a nice person and all, but you don't even make small talk, you just jump right into inappropriate questions. That's not me, that's not who I am anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like an object you can use to your liking. And the sad thing is I don't even have the "balls" to tell you off. I just make up some lie to get you to go away. And as soon as you know that I won't give you what you want you do go away. You never used to be like this. You changed and not for the better. We used to talk and be friends but you got greedy and you became an ass just like all the rest. I may not have been the best friend in the world but I don't deserve this and I don't need you. If I never saw you again that would be fine because honestly, you aren't worth my time, and never will be again.

Bigger Isn't Always Better.

Everyone expects life to go a certain way. Some dream of fairytales and some dream of freedom. Yet, everyone wants something out of life, whether they know it or not. As for me, I don't know what I want. I haven't for a while but does it really matter? Maybe the reason so many people aren't satisfied with life is because they are too full of greed. The more they want the more they suffer because they aren't happy with what they have and what they are given. People tend to want fancy objects, why i don't know? There are so many other people in the world that need so much more than we do, and yet they never get any of their necessary survival tools because we are too selfish. Now, I'm not saying that I'm perfect because there were a lot of moments in my life where I've bought something that was of no need to me. I was just being greedy. Lately I've realized that there are so many other people that need so much more than I do. So many more people that don't even have food or clothing and yet, I'm complaining I don't have the latest version of an iPod or cellphone. I'm trying more and more to appreciate the little things in life. Maybe if everyone could be a little more selfless the world could gradually become a happier place to live.

Good Times Gone

I returned home from Florida yesturday and I was so tired. We did so much in such a short time. It was a lot of fun. Friday we went to Epcot and that was a lot of fun. We didn't do all the rides but that was okay becuase I've been there before and we got to see all the countries. On Saturday I got to sleep in a little and then at night we went to the wedding. The wedding was in the most amazing spot, it was so beautiful. The reception was amazing too. The food was a little too fancy for my liking but the music was good and I got to spend time with my cousins. That night after we left we went back to the hotel and ordered pizza. That was all fun too because we got to talk and just spend time together. The next day we went to Magic Kingdom. It was freezing that day so not many people were at the park and the rides moved alot quicker. All in all we all had alot of fun. It was nice to be able to go and spend time with my family and just have a vacation.

vacation.

today is my first full day in florida. yesturday was very hectic. our plane was delayed so we had to wait in the airport and then there was so much turbulence on a plane so i felt sick hours after we actualy landed. then when i got to florida i pulled out my camera and the screen was cracked, and im a picture whore so that was disappointing. but then me and my cousn went and hung out with our other cousins who we dont see that often so that was alot of fun. and today were going to epcot, so hopefully things will stay relaxed. other tha the traveling here my trip has been good so far, more to come later.

<333

And I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Tomorrow we have no school which is always nice. I can catch up on all the sleep i lost this weekend except that i have a lot to do. I have to pack for Florida, do homework, update me and my cousin's ipod, and then i have to go to the store and pick up some last minutes things for my trip. So as much as I would love to, I can't relax. Which kinda sucks because I'm so tired. But I'll be running around all day. Wednesday I have school. Which I don't mind because I won't need to go Thursday or Friday. And I'm actually excited about Florida again. I know I keep changing my op ion but maybe I can use this time to relax and forget about life for awhile. I really need time like that. So, I'm actually looking forward to it. Plus I'll have a little extra money to buy some things from Disney. Sadly I'm a cheezy souvenir junky. =] I always buy those nick knacks that look so cute in the store but then when you get home you realize that you don't have any room for it. I know that all my friends up here will miss me but I think they can do without my presence for a few days =]

<333

Things change, Accept it.

So today was our last show. And even though I have been so tired, I'm really really going to miss it. I'm gonna miss hanging out with such amazing people every night. They always make me smile. My life is going to be so different until the musical starts. I guess I'll find other shit to do but it won't be the same. But gradually I'll get used to things being back to "normal."

Ohh man where do i start with this one? What makes you have the right to call me the names that you did? Me and you have no future and no past as I'm concerned. You don't deserve to be in my life. You treated me wrong and abused my feelings towards you. You took advantage of me and now you say you love me. I don't need that. Not now, not ever. You don't deserve to make me happy. You and me are through and I don't appreciate the drunken phone calls. Move on with your life. What we had is over.

<3333

That's All Folks

This week has been so crazy with all the time I've been spending at school rehearsing for the fall production. I'm not complaining though because I enjoy it. I enjoy the company of others around me and the feeling of safeness that I feel. There are some downsides including immature people who feel the need for an obsessive amount of attention and affection. Plus the lack of maturity in some of the others. But all in all I love it. I never feel better then when I'm with all of those people. They don't judge me or expect anything out of me. So, last night was our opening night and in my opinion it went well. Of course this morning I didn't want to roll out of bed I was so tired, but I got up knowing we had another show to do tonight. The show tonight went well also. We had a bigger crowd which is always positive. Afterward the cast had plans to go to friendlys but they wouldn't let us in. So we worked around this conflict and ended up at McDonald's. It was fun. It didn't matter that we were at a fast food restaurant all that mattered was that everyone was together having a good time. Though, tired beyond explanation, my weekend is still full. We have two more shows to do, and I don't doubt that they will be just as exciting.

In other news I leave for Florida on Thursday. I was really excited about going at first yet now it seems like everything else is going on that weekend and I'm going to miss it. I'll get over it, it's just disappointing. I'm going to make the best of Florida though. Most of my family will be there, and they're pretty amazing people. I just hope I'm not too tired.

For now that's basically my life and for the most part I'm enjoying it. I feel like I've found my place. (yes i realized how cheezy that sounds). But it's okay because for the first time in a while I can smile without feeling the pain. I can smile sincerely. It's nice. I don't want this feeling to ever go away.

Life is a Journey

This week I've thought about a lot of different things and I've gone up and down about my opinions. I have been thinking more and more about the truth meaning of life and what really matters. I've realized that I shouldn't worry so much about the small things that later on won't really matter. I should just live for the moment and enjoy it. Later on in life in won't matter what grade I got on one test. It won't matter who i hung around with and what we did. It won't matter what I wore to a dance and it won't matter what people said about me. None of that will matter. The only things that will truly matter are the moments that took your breath away, or made you smile for the first time in a long time. The only people that will matter are the one's that are still with you, or the people that really impacted your life in an unforgetable way. You may not agree with me but that doesn't really matter because we all see life differently, and for me I've come to accept that life will go on, even if people judge me differently. All the stupid fights and pointless worrying isn't necessary. Life will go on even if it doesn't seem like it at first. Relax because in the end you won't even remember most of it. It'll all just be a blurr of what used to be and that'll be okay because you will know that you had some good moments, even if they all weren't worth remembering. Life is one big journey and we have to decide if were going to enjoy the scenery, or keep waiting and wishing for the end.

Through Glass

How much is real? So much to question. An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything. When thought came from the heart, it never did right from the start. Just listen to the noises, no more sad voices. Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene, remember it's just different from what you've seen. - Stone Sour

Those are probably my favorite song lyrics of all time. They say so much with so little words. Granted the song is amazing anyways but this is my favorite verse. It really touches me i guess, if that's the right word. I can relate to it a grate deal. When reading it without the rest of the song it does not make the same impact but it still says a lot. It tells of someone that is judging another person. Yet, this person has no right to judge because those two people are similar or the same in some sense. It is kind of like the saying people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, except it has much deeper meaning. The words are all so real and full of emotion. In a way this song is like the soundtrack to my life. I'm dealing with a lot of different issues. One of them being that so many different people are judging me, when they face the same difficulties I do. They aren't any better then I am. Were all the same in some way. And for you to sit there on your pedestal and judge me, is not right. Step down, baby, because you don't belong. Your not perfect and neither am I. I don't deserve to be looked down upon or pitied. I am who I am and for the most part I'm proud of that. I have made mistakes but I'm willing to stand up to them and learn from them. I don't consider myself any better then anybody else and that's how it should be. There is no need to judge or ridicule others. Because in the end it won't matter what anybody thought of you, all that will really matter is what you thought of yourself.

Serenity

These last few days I have been feeling unexplainable happy. Well, maybe that's not the word but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel loved and appreciated. I feel like I matter to people. I thank those around me that have been there for me these past few days you have really made them great. I feel untouchable. It's amazing because I haven't felt like this in awhile and strangely it's comforting. I just hope it lasts.

On another note, there's less than a month until I go to Florida for my cousins wedding. =] I'm very excited. I've been waiting for this trip for a long time and it's slowly approaching. I love weddings. It's a great time to spend time with family and just dress up and have fun. It's like an excuse to dance. I just hope everything on this trip goes smoothly. I really need a good vacation.

And lastly, I would just like to say that I've learned a lot in life. And lately I've been able to appreciate that. So I would just like to thank everyone who helped me get to where I am. I'm grateful for your patience and kindness and I hope that I've influenced your life also.

Wish you Were

Were friends but i want so much more. Your laugh. your smile i love everything about you. Everything you do makes me smile more and more each day. We've been friends for a a while now and just recently I started looking at you differently. I realized that I could see me and you together. I'll never look at you the same again. Of course I can't tell you how I feel because if you didnt feel the same way it would create a akwardness between us, and I deffinately don't want. I want us to stay friends. So for now I'll just keep my feelings to myself. But deep down I'll be secertly wishing that I could be in your arms, feeling your sweet embrace, feeling loved and cared for.

Gone, but Never Forgotten

Today for religion class, I had to write a "gospel" about someone close to me. I thought long and hard about who it should be about and I settled on the choice of my grandfather. He died when I was 12 and I miss him more and more as time goes by. I was very close to him and when he died I lost someone I loved very much. He was the first person close to me that died and his death hit me hard. He was very sick for some time but no one is ever really prepared for some one's death. When I first heard that he had passed away I was home and had a lot of my friends here. Normally I don't feel comfortable crying in front of people but that day I didn't care; I cried and cried for hours and I let them all comfort me. It was nice having my friends there to comfort me but they didn't understand what I was going through. Who I really needed to be with was my family. So that night we traveled up to Vermont. That week was one of the saddest weeks on of my life. I cried for hours and hours, not caring who saw. He was my only grandparent that I was ever really close to. The only grandparent I had ever really connected with. He meant the world to me. My cousins were there for me and I was grateful for that but what I really needed was to figure out how to cope on my own. That week was also one of the greatest weeks of my life, because my family was all together. We all live in different parts of the country and it was nice to have them all there at a time like that. We laughed, we cried, we talked. It was a different experience for me than I had ever thought it could be. I thought that being a time of mourning people wouldn't want to talk and laugh, but on the contrary, they wanted to do it more. They wanted to laugh and remember, and we did. It was nice, I felt like it helped me cope better with his death. It made me realize that him dying didn't have to be all sad because we still had the memories from when he was with us. I thank my family for being me in that time of need. They really stuck by me and I am eternally grateful. I still miss my Grandpa Mac more than anything and I would do anything to have him be alive to see me grow up. He always said that he wanted to see all of his grandchildren graduate high school. Sadly he didn't get his wish, but he did get to experience so much more with us and I know that the day I graduate he'll be watching down from heaven. He was my hero when he was alive and he is my hero now. I'll never forget him and I'll let him live on through my memories.

And These Things Will Change

Not everything turns out the way I want it to and I understand that, but it's hard for me to accept it. I've been trying so hard to do my best but nothing seems good enough. It's not working out as planned. I have trouble accepting things that do not turn out the way I want them to. I guess I'm just not open to different solutions or outcomes, but I can't help it. I've tried to be different but I see everything black and white and I always have. I can't help it. And the more I try and the more i fail, it's just getting more and more disappointing. I don't know how to change. I can't seem to wrap my mind around not doing as well as I planned. I can't accept anything lower than my standards, and it's starting to wear me down. The more I fail the more I want to give up, but I can't give up it's not an option. If I gave up, then what would I have? Nothing, not even the feeling of dissapointment, but I wouldn't have the feeling of being proud either. So what's the solution? I don't know. Does anybody really? How is it that I can be so confused over something as simple as just doing my best and being proud. I guess it also has to do with having little self esteem. I can't help this feeling, but I wish I could, and one day maybe I'll be able to.

Cherish the Small Things in Life, They Make all the Difference

Plain and Simple; today sucked. I had more homework to do and I was all prepared to do it, but then of course I got another stomach ache. I get them alot, I can barely even move, so I had alot of trouble concentrating. I finally got my report done though so that was good, plus I feel like i did really well on it. I did not get all that I wanted to get done though. I got done all that was due tomorrow though, which is good that way I'm not too behind. Plus my dog got loose today which does not happen often but when it does it's never my fault. It's always one of my other family members because they are not careful enough. Plus when she got loose my mom yelled at me when she was the one who did not shut the door tight enough. I'm so tired and the sad thing is it's only seven. The only thing that is keeping me awake is knowing that One Tree Hill is on tonight. =] It's the little things in life that really make the difference.

Road Block

So as I said in my previous blog I had lots to do today. Luckily I cleaned quickley and I did a good amount of homework, so then I made plans to go to dinner tonight with Mikki and Victor. I was going to ask my mom to bring us. But then my mom got home from work and I guess she had been in some kind of accident. I dont believe it was that bad because you can't even tell from her car but i wouldn't know because she came in and wouldn't even say boo to me. Now I know I should be sensative to her feelings or whatever but I can't when she won't tell me what happened. Plus now I can't go tonght which yes I know is very selfish of me to say, but now I can't ask her because she locked herself in her room, plus it would be kind of rude seeing as she's upset. But I was really looking foward to dinner. I haven't seen Victor in a while and we always have so much fun. Plus I've been sick in the house all week it would have been nice to get out and have some fun. I know it's horrible to say but like I'm kind of upset with my mother. I wish she would tell me what's up, that way I can see if I can at least go to Mikki's. Yet she won't answer me when i talk. I guess I should let her relax, I just wish my plans didn't have to be ruined too.

All Work and No Play.

Ohh gosh. I have so much to do today and no time to do it in. First i'm going to my brothers game which is a 12..i'm never going to be ready either. Plus i have to clean, fisnish my room, and do all my make-up work. I haven't started any of it =/. Luckily I'm starting to feel better but I am not motivated to do any of these things. Yet they have to get done. Not only does all that have to get done but "best friend" mikki is coming over today. She's just peachy. She always has to be doing something, I just want to have a relaxing day where we talk and maybe I can get some shit done. Well I have much more on my mind to vent about, yet no time, i have to get ready for my brother's game. Joyy.

It's Coming Together Nicely.

Today I started to re-do my room. Well technically i didn't re-do it I started painting. Not painting my whole room, but painting little poems and song lyrics. It's coming out nice and I really like it because I haven't really had anything on my walls in a while. I took all my posters done at the beginning of the summer and then i put up my morbid drawing, yet my mom took those down a few weeks ago. So I've been contemplating what should go there for awhile. Then I decided that I really like it different poems and words if you will. So just like that I started to write down little paragraphs all around my room. Some are from songs I like, some are from One Tree Hill, and some are just little quotes I've read here and there. It's a very long process though because I have a very small room and so many words. Plus I have so many favorite quotes and songs that it's hard to choose, but I have and I'm satisfied for the most part. The only thing I'm worried about now is that my mom's going to make me take it all down. She doesn't like when I write on my walls, she says it's disrespectful, but I like it. It's more personal than a poster or words on a piece of paper. It's a lot more. It's who I am and it's how I feel and what I believe. Hopefully she'll accept it and move on. It's not permanent paint so if I ever did want to remove it I could. I finally feel like I'm taking back my room, and my life. Try and stop me.

For Now, All the Future Holds for Me, is Me.

Have you ever asked yourself who you want most to make it to your future? I have. And i never can settle on an answer. Some people don't deserve to make it to my future and some deserve it too much. But that doesn't matter. What matters is who i want most next to me when my dreams come true or when i find peace. Once i knew that i wanted my best friend with me all my life. Sadly, we didn't last as friends. Why? She wasn't mature enough to let me in and make me understand what was going on with her. And I wasn't mature enough to handle her being distance. We haven't been friends since last summer and honestly since her i haven't felt that close to anyone. She was always there for me when i needed someone. Even when she didn't believe in the decisions i was making she always supported me. And she treated me like i was the most important person in the world. She always knew when i was down and what i needed. Whether it was a good movie, a pizza, or just some quiet time to talk, she always knew and she never had to ask. She was everything, my best friend, my sister. And now we don't even speak. For awhile i wished and hoped and prayed that she would call or email me but that day never came. And i've tried talking to her but i never get a response. And one day i relized it was never going to happen we were never going to be friends again. And our friendship was stronger than any other feeling i've ever expierenced. With her gone I can't see anyone significant enough to be in my future. No one compares to her. And it's sad because she knew me better than i knew myself. She was always part of my future plans. And it's so hard to move on, to replace her. Since her i haven't had a true bestfriend and i don't know when i will ever be able to trust someone like i trusted her. It's sad, but it's the truth. Deep down there's still a part of me that wants her to be in my future, to expierence my good time and my bad times. But i'll have to move on and create a new dream. But for now, honestly, the only true person i see in my future is me.

She Loves Him, He Loves Her Not.

Why?
Why does she always let him take advantage of her?
Him and her used to be good friends, they used to have a good relationship, but thats all over now. He texts her and a smile begins to spread across her sad little face. But why? Why does she smile? Deep down she knows he only wants her for one thing. They start to talk and it always ends the same way, he gets bored and ignores her. Yet why shouldn't he? She lets him do this time and time again and it's always the same. She never says no or ignores him, she gives in. She doesn't have enough willpower to say no. She doesn't have enough self respect. And each time she tells herself that he'll change, it'll be different this time. But it never is. And deep down she knows it never will. It'll always be this way. He will always have control. They used to love each other but that was a long time ago. It's just a memory and that's all it'll never be. He doesn't love her anymore. But does she love him? On some level, but not deep feelings. She wonders how it got like this and she has no answers. She doesn't know how to make it stop. It's gone to far. Without him she'll lack of compasion. Something she can't live without. But is it far that she has to settle for fake compasion? No, it isn't. When will it be her turn to be loved? To stop being used and to be cared for and loved. No one has the answers and until she finds out she has to keep living life trying to fight off the feeling of lost hope.

Screaming to the Deaf

why can't you see how much this is making me hurt. I'm telling you how much suffering this program is putting me through. Why can't you stop focusing on what you want and focus on what i want. What i need. You can't seem to grasp the fact that this program is fallin apart piece by piece. It's not helping at all. I cant relate to any of the other people. They dont understand me, nor do the doctors. They think they do, they try and analyze me and tell me whats wrong but they dont know all they have is book knowledge. They haven't expiernced what I've felt. Yet they sit there and tell me what will help and what I need to fix. I'm not perfect and I'm implying that I am I'm just saying that I know who I am and by knowing that I should know what helps me. Please just listen to what I'm saying, really listen. Don't listen and think that I'm just venting or complaining, because I'm not. I truly feel that in the end this program will put so much stress on me that one day I'll just give up, or I'll crack. Please listen I'm screaming for help and you can't hear me but your only listening to what you believe to be true.

Day 1, When Will it End?

Today was the first day of that intensive outpatient program. Let me tell you it was horrible. I went and i tried and tried to keep a open mind but it was horrible. Every single other person there was stupid...like literallly stupid. They were all immature and they talk like they just learned english. This made the supervisors talk to everyone like they were 5. I hated it i was too mature for that. It made me want to screammm...like people seriously need to learn how to grow up. It was soo frustrating. Not only that but by the time i got home i was soo tired I didn't want to do anything which sucked because i had so much homework. I hate this. What makes it all worse is that I get barely any sleep at all. So I'm naturally tired anyway going to school and then right to this program doesn't help. It's just putting more stress on me. I feel like I'm slowly falling behind and I hate it. I hate having to leave school early every day. I know that the school will work with me but I want to do everything at the same speed as everyone else. I don't want special treatment. I want to attend school six hours a day and then be able to come home, do home work, and then still have time to relax. I'm too overwhelmed as it is I don't need any additional stress. I just want to go to school and live like any "normal" teenager. I hate it and I want things to go back.

Don't Fear the Unknown, Embrace It

I'm over it. Over all of it. I'm over the pain, the drama, the fear, and the sadness. I've given up on all that. From now on I'm done feeling. I'm done caring. I'm done trying to fix things that are impossible to fix. It's not worth trying anymore. I'm going to sit here thinking about what was or what could have been. I'm not going to think about what will be or what is. I'm not going to think about any of it. I'm finished. Let life control me I'm done trying to take control because in the end its not worth it we all die anyways. Some sooner than others. People say that life is like a roller coaster but in fact that's not true. A roller costar is a ride you ride for about a minute or so and it gets all your adrenaline pumping. But life is much longer and a lot less fun. Plus at the end of a roller coaster you get to get off but with life it just ends, you never know when it's going to end or how. It just does. Some fear death. But why fear something that sets you free. Something that takes the pain of the world away. Me, I'm not afraid of death, I welcome it with open arms. Death is one thing I've never been afraid of because when you're dead you no longer feel the heaviness of the world. Your soul is light and it's free. You don't have to worry about anything. You aren't surrounded by misery. I've asked people why they fear death and some people say because it means your life is over. But i believe dying is the start of a better life. A carefree life. One full of peace and love. One where no matter what happens you always have hope. But i could be wrong death could be just as horrible as life, i don't know for certain. I can only hope. I can only hope that once i escape this life I'll move on to a better one.

Your Life, Not Mine

you say im not safe to stay home alone but tell me how it helps for you to drag me all over bumble fuck land. i have to live your life not mine. how is that helping i cant even do as i please i have to do what you have to do. thats fucking insane obviously there's more wrong with you than there is me. because thinking that will work it fucking crazyy. i dont want your life. i want mine but i cant live my life. whether im dead or alive doesnt really matter anymore because either way im not living. im just an unimportant object being dragged along to watch you live your life while i just waste away.

All Alone with Nothing, Not Even the Memories

it's official there is like nothing left in my room. it's funny how she cleaned out my room because they gett all suspicious because i take down posters or decide to redecorate. yet they can change EVERYTHING. its funny it really really is. people think they know what's best for me but how can they know when i dont even know. Everyone thinks they know how to keep me safe but i hate to burst that buble but they dont. they arent even close. but applause to them for trying. the thing that gets me the most is that they took all my pictures..if i wasnt alone before i deff am now i dont even have the memories to remind me of better times. whatever i dont even give a fuckkk you can box up all my stuff and never leave me alone but let me tell you it makes now difference to me anymore.

You're the One I Need

You're my angel. My everything. You make me smile when all i want to do is cry. You make feel safe when I'm scared and lonely. You make me feel warm in a world so cold and dark. You always know what to say and when to say it. You always there for me even when i feel like I'm all alone. No matter what i do or say your always there for me. We may fight and not always agree but that's what makes us friends. You talk me out of the stupid things i want to do and you never expect anything in return. You never give up on me even when i've given up on myself. You make me feel like im the most important thing in the world and that i come first. I've never felt like that. I've always been second best but in your eyes i feel like i'm the greatest. Whether this is true or not doesnt matter, i dont want to know the truth. Because i dont want that feeling to ever disappear. I Love You. <3>

Fake a Smile, Because it Cant Get Much Worse.

So i talked my mom out of actually putting me in a hospital except i had to settle for something which is not any better. I have to join a program that is everyday from 1-5. Not only is it 4 hours a day id have to get out of school at 12 everyday because it takes an hour to get there. Which is ridiculous because I'll be missing two whole Classes. Plus i have drama at night and i wont have enough time to do homework. I'm bound to fall behind in school. Which will put way more stress on me then i need. So though this program is supposed to be helping me, it wont because it'll make my stress level rise. The irony is that it's suppose to help me cope with stress not add to it. I cant even object to it either because then they'll throw me in some hospital which i don't need. They are taking my freedom away from me. Plus my mom cleaned out my room and took literally almost everything out of it. My picture frames, my Cd's, my DVDs, my hair products, pens, pencils, EVERYTHING. It's suppose to keep me safe but it just leaves me in a room that doesn't even feel like my own. I don't feel comforted there anymore, i feel like I'm laying in someone else's world. It's weird its like I'm a visitor in someone else's room. The funny thing is though i didn't use any of those things to try and "harm" myself. They didn't even come close to finding any of it. Which totally defeats the purpose of destroying my room. Sadly for them, I'm too clever and i think of everything. They just keep taking things away and pushing things on me that wont help me at all. They just keep making it worse.
Up side to today though: i made cup cakes =]

Do What Makes You Happy

people say that america is a free country but in truth it's a huge fucking lie. i say i dont need a hospital u say youll force me i have no say in what happens to me anymore. they make my decidions as if i dont have amind of my own. they say they need to keep me safe but who are they to decide whats safe the dont know me enough to determine that. they want me to give up two things i enjoy more than anything in the world just to keep me safe. but after its all said and done dont you agree that me not having those things to fall back on will just me back in the same place. i do. i dont think a hospital will change anything all it will do is make it worse. and im sorry but if i dont want to do something its stupid for you to think it will help me. you say it has helped others but im unique im not like anyone else. im me and i dont even know who me is because people keep trying to change me and tell me who i am. but you do what makes you feel better i wouldnt want to harm your perfect life. do what makes you and everyone else happy dont even consider my feelings or my wishes. you never have in the past..why start now?


P.S
dear you know who you are,
im sorry for over reacting last night i know you care about me and just dont want me to get hurt and i thank you.
i love you
love, me

Broken

what the fuck i trusted you and you let me down. shockerrr. u were the one person i cared about my one last hope and you let me down. i dont want to go back there and now they may be forcing me to go all because of youuu. ur were supposed to be my angel but u went behind my back and betrayed me . if i make it through the night and wake up to a world or misery at least this time i'll have someone to blame

....

its killing me i cant think i cant feel its eating away at my skin. i cant live like this when will it end ? i dont know what to do. im numb no one can save i can only save myself i can only release myself from this misery i call life. it has to end it just has to. i cant do it anymore i cant pretend i cant keep the little feeling of hope i have left in my head its all over all of it the pain the suffering its needs to end and soon i cant go on wishing and wishing itll go away because it wont and it never will i need to stop pretending and just end it once and for all. im weak i cant survive like this.


Things i'll miss:
my familyy
my mom
my dogg
kevin bowman
the smell of the air after it had rained
the sound of thunder
music
the long trips to vermont
the taste of cotton candy at a county fair
&& the smell of addiction.

Better As a Memory

Have you ever wanted to just scream on the top of your lungs and fuck what everybody else thinks? I have. But i started to think, if i did would it really make a difference? Would anyone really take time out of their lives to listen? I don't believe they would. Sadly, i feel like this every day. I feel like i'm screaming for help but no one hears. They can't see my pain through their shallow eyes. They only see what they want to see. They only hear what they want to hear. There are a small amount of people who can hear me but are they really listening to what i'm saying, or are they hearing a lie? It's hard to really listen to someone when you have so much more important things to worry about. Homework. Sports. Lovers. Family. There's a list of things on your mind that are more important. But you'd think after all these years you'd make time for a "friend" who is in much need of your comfort. But you don't think. You only think of yourself. You dont want to bother with me when i'm in this state. You want me to become "normal" again so i can help you through your pointless problems about him. Well i'm done i cant be friends with a person who cares more about a guy who has betrayed you more times than i can even count. A guy who pressures you into sex and drugs. Go be with him and be happy. I'm fine without you. But let me just say that when you call me crying because he left you again i won't have sympothy for you. Not any at all. Becuase i need you now and you don't care. So that it's i'm done caring. All that's left of you and me is memories.

It's Only Life

Why. It's a question i will carry with me for the rest of my life. No matter what, it'll always be there mocking me and reminding me of a time when i was weak. I can't erase it, it'll always be there under my sleeve. No matter how my life changes i'll always have that as a reminder of how much i failed. I gave into temptation. I can't rewind my life, so there's no point in wishing i could. I can't dwell on what happened i have to live in the present. I have to learn from the many wrong choices i've made. I have to m o v e on.

One Last Breathe

Shes crying, and she can't stop. Nothing can comfort her now she's too far gone. She cant focus, or think or even speak. She feels like she's drowning in a sea so full of sharks that are ready to eat her alive. She's weak, she doesn't know who to turn to. She starts to cry harder as she sees the blood trickle from her wrist. She isn't feeling sadness,misery or loneliness, all she feels is pain. That's all she want to feel, she wants to drift away into a pain that is so bad that she doesn't feel the emotional sorrow that is going through her head. She wishes she hadn't done it, but it's too late now. She's slowly loosing the long battle called life. She doesn't mind though she hasn't been good at anything, why should life be any different. She failed and that's all she can focus on. All she wants to do is sleep. She wants to dream. Dream of a place that is so different from here. A place so magical and alive, full of rainbows and ice cream. She wants to dream forever. She hopes to live in this dream forever. She never wants to awake.

it'll all be over soon

These last few days have been really tough for me. Depression has been following me around for days and it never seems to leave. No matter where i am or who i'm with it's always with me. It isn't always obvious because i've been living with it for so long that i know how to hide my true feelings. Yet it never leaves. I feel like i'm watching myself in a movie like i'm not really there. I'm not really expierencing my life, im sitting on the sidelines watching. Lots of things are happening but i cant do anything to stop them. No matter how hard i try i have no power over my life or what's happening to me. Something has to change, my story needs to change. I dont want to be another suicidal teen. I want to survive and i want to make it through. Yet i'm fighting a hopeless battle. It's me against the world. And the said truth is, in time, i'll loose. And then there will be nothing left to live for. And that's how my story will end. Just like that. There wont be any goodbyes or so longs. Just like that it'll end. No one will no how and no one will no why. No one has the answers, not even me. Once i've finally come to my total defeat, my world will come to and end once and for all.

People always leave

today someone i know asked me if i was okay and i responded with not quite but i'm getting there. This is a total lie because i'm not getting better and anyone that truly knows me, knows that. But the girl who asked me was a simple and "happy" girl. I didnt want to upset her and tell her i wasnt okay. She didnt need to know i wasnt because i dont need her pity. And if i had told her the truth, that i wasnt getting better i still fight the urge to kill myself she would have felt bad for me and i dont need that. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me because it's my problem not theirs. And you may ask yourself, if you dont want pity then why post ur sorrow on a blog. I do it for me, no one else, if you dont like it or dont agree with what i say dont read it. I write for me and only me. And my pain and suffering is only mine. It's the only thing in my life i can rely on. It's the only thing i know that will be there the next day when i wake up. There isn't much else i can rely on. I cant rely on friends or family. I can't rely on hope or dreams. I can't even rely on myself. The only things i can truly rely on is my pain, my suffering, and my scars. Those three things will always be in my life. No matter what anyone else says, i'll always have those miserable feelings and the reminder of my past pain. People always tell me to have hope and have faith. But how can they tell me to have all those things when the next day they wont be there to see me through the misery. Dont tell me how to run my life when really deep down you dont really care, you're just being nice. You dont need to be nice i'm a big girl and i can handle you not caring, because in truth know one really cares. Not even me

Your choice, My life

Today i met a new therapist. I already have a perfectly fine therapist that im working with but my mother and her feel i need more "support." Of course they never really asked me what i wanted to do but i guess it's fine right? No, its not fine i dont want to see anymore therapists i like the women im seeing now and they want to go and change everything again. How do they know how much help i need that should be my decision not theres. They want me to see this new therapist so she can find a group thats SHE feels is right for me. And like my mother and old therapist shes not going to ask me my preferance. Personially i dont want to work with this new therapist or start a group. Ive tried groups before and i dont like them. All they do is waste time and they dont even help me. First of all everyone has to sit in a circle which i hate because i feel like everyones watching me. I dont like talking to people in general and they want me to pour my heart out to total and complete strangers. And i have to listen to their problems too. I dont care about their problems. I know that sounds shallow but im not a paid therapist and i have enough of my own problems already that i dont need theirs floating around in my head too. And i'm a sensative person, i'm not going to deny that and when i hear their problems i start to feel sorry for them. And that prevents me even more from opening up because their problems may be worse and i dont want them to feel like im complaining about nothing. Now i know i shouldnt care about what complete strangers think but they have their own problems and i dont want to add to their stress, just like i dont want them to add to mine. Plus by going to this group and new therapist i cant see my old therapist until the group is over. Which in my opinion is ridiculios because the old therapist knows me and who i am. She knows when i'm not feeling myself and when i dont want to talk. She gets me more than any other therapist ever has and now i have to stop seeing her until after this six month group is over. I've had alot of therapists in my life but never one like her. I can talk to her openly without thinking about what i'm going to say. And they're taking that away from me. Don't they get that no matter how many useless sessions i have with this new lady, that it's not going to make a difference. I want to tell them how i feel but i can't disappoint my mother. She is trying so hard for me to get better. I know that i never will but my mom still has hope. And when i dont try something she suggests she gets mad at me and yells like its my fault i'm not getting better. I'm trying everything i can but i know that me leaving my old therapist won't be helpful. I guess I'll have to deal. I'm used to being let down.

you could have saved me

Today was the day i realized he wasn't just a friend to me. He was more, much much more. He was my savior, my comfort, my best friend, my everything. And i know this sounds like a typical girl falls for guy, guy doesn't notice girl, girl watches him from a distance, guy and girl fall in love at the end. But unlike this story we wont fall in love. Why? Because this is real life. My life. And in my life the girl never gets the right guy. She gets the guy that uses her for her body or the guy that trys to change who she is, the guy that puts her down and takes her confidence. Just for once i want it to be different i want to get the guy who loves me for me and wouldn't want me any other way. I want a guy to look at me like I'm the only person in the world who can make him smile. But I'm not getting my hopes up because i know that its all in my head. Ive created my own little fairytale. So I'll sit idly by doing nothing when deep down i know he may be the one that can save me. Because when he hugs me i never want him to let go. I feel safe, comforted, ..loved.

what started as just a friday morning.

friday.
People look at friday as one of the best days of the week. For kids its the last day of school before the weekend, for young adults it's the night they go out and party, and to regular working class adults it's the last day of the work week. Yet to me it's the longest day of the week. After getting up at six five days in a row i dont wanna get ready and have to go to school. Most of the time i dont mind it but today ..was one of those fridays. From the time i got up this morning i was counting the minutes until i could go home and lay in bed for hours. Now you may classify me as lazy but that's fine because honestly i'm done caring what others think. My day did not get much better as it went on. The moment i stepped into school i wanted to step right back out again. Don't get me wrong i have great friends waiting to greet me in the halls but they don't fully understand me or where my thoughts are. They don't understand how im feeling even when i speak simply. And again dont get me wrong, my friends arent stupid, theyre actually very smart, but they havent lived my life and they dont know what ive been through. The rest of the school day was a big blurr i wasnt really there. The most disappointing thing about this particular friday is when i got home and finally got to lay in the only real place i feel safe, it didnt feel satisfying. I still wasnt happy and what i hated the most is i dont know why. It could be because my so called best friend hasnt returned my texts or calls in over a week for no particular reson. Or it could be that my parents are so unhappy that getting divorced wouldnt change anything. Or maybe its because i lay awake every night fighting off the temptation to cut. It may have even been because i feel like im falling for a guy that i know will just make my life worse. Whatever it is, it's stopping me from being able to be who i am. It's like im wearing a mask, one only i can see. One that i cant seem to take off no matter how hard i try. Ive been wearing this mask for so long that i dont even seem to know who i really am. I cant remember what it's like to feel happiness or even sadness. Ive been behind this mask for so long that i dont think i'll ever be able to be set free.

numb

Why does she feel so alone in a world full of people?
Why does she feel so much pain in a world so full of happiness?
Why does she feel scared in a world thats so safe?
Why does she feel trapped in a world so open and vast?
Why does she feel broken in a world so whole?
Why can't she feel in a world so fulling of feelings?
She doesn't know the answers to these questions but she knows that one day these answers wont matter bc she'll be in a world full of things that make her feel welcome and safe. She'll never understand this life and one day she'll be able to escape from it.

trapped.

She walks down the halls like no one could ever hurt her but the truth is shes already hurt. She goes around wearing a smile so big and yet so fake. She talks to you like nothing's wrong but deep down its all a lie. She doesnt know how to act shes been told so many lies. She's tried to pretend it'll all go away but deep down she knows its too late. Nothing could change the way she feels towards the world. She hates the feeling of being trapped. She's tried to escape time after time but nothing has worked. She has lost hope. Nothing could save her now. It's all over for her.