Thursday, May 10, 2012
I've ruined everything
This week should have been one of the best, most accomplished, saddest weeks of my life; but it wasn't. Everyone posting on twitter about bittersweet memories of leaving their fist year of college. I never finished mine, either semester. I know it's my fault and I think that's what makes it worse. I should be just moving back home, my parents should be proud and overwhelemed with joy that I'm home for the next four months. Nothings as I planned it. How is it that I could have fucked up my life this bad? Moving into college last semester was everything my mom had dreamed but me coming home early and living in her home again on drugs everyday was not how she wanted my life to go. That makes everythig worse. I had so many people in my life that wanted me to sucesseed and I let them down. I guess thats probably what makes my failure hurt so much worse. Everyone who ever put me first in life got let down by me in so many ways. I wish I could go back and change it all. What do I have now? My mother cant even look me in the eye becaue shes so disappointed in what I've become, the only girl I ever loved wont even speak to me, and my main concern with life is where I can find my next fix to get high. I have nothing left. I'm all drained out. Why did I let it get so bad? I miss how it used to be. I love my friends and I tell myself that I'm okay with how my life is going but it's all a big lie. I can't open up with anyone, I like hiding my fears and my saddness. The more I let people in, the more chance I have of getting hurt again, and I cant get hurt again. So many people have come and gone in my life and at the end of it all I'm the one left alone. I like being the one who is always cheerful because its easy. Its easy going through life saying im over it and pretending everythings okay. Things get too complicated when I don't. But it's hard sitting up night after night thinking about how unhappy I am. I've burned so many bridges with so many people. My life is going nowhere and I know that. I just wish I could change it all somehow and go back and do it all again. But for now I'll put on a smile and just try and make it through each day. One day it'll all be over and what's scary is I look forward to that day. People always talk about their fear of dying but its something I longed for more than anything. I can't take the life I have built for myself anymore. I just want it all to end.
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All those people who were there the day you moved into college, carried all that shit up all those stairs in the heat, that held back all the tears because they were gonna miss you..Who thought wow this girl is gonna be something didn't let go of you you let go of them. Now look who is there for you, how great of an influence they have on you how much better you are since you left college you are worse...worse then you have ever been and you seriously need help. These people are gonna end up burning you one of these days and you know it then what? who are you gonna have one of them is gonna end up OD'd or die in a accident better yet you might even. Open up your fucking eyes you are gonna be 20 years old grow up. You have soo much going for you don't fuck it up more then you already have. Get up get a damn job stop being a stoner..Do you know how man people you let down all your mother ever wanted was a good life for you and your doing soo good your hurting more people everyday every time you get your next high. Maybe that girl you loved wouldnt have gave up if you didn't break her heart you chose this you chose having this life. before college you had it all and you blew it because you thought all the people you had would take all the hurtful shit you said you thought wrong now you have to live with the decisions you made. you have hurt a lot of people doesn't mean they don't love you your just not the girl they knew. I'm not gonna sit here and bad mouth you but if you wanna be something go get help you owe them that much and owe your self that much. your friends are not your friends think that then thats your problem the people that were in your life before all this were they were worth not getting high or ditching them or making stupid decisions learn from this one and do better for yourself you probably won't but its your life taken it is stupid way out and will hurt more people then you think your hurting them now more then ever...Think about that..if you ever get a sober chance.
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