Life's Not Mine to Live

As I reflect on my life, I'm amazed at all that has happened. I don't think I ever thought it would end up like this. With my head and my heart never complelty satisfied. Why can't I be happy with what I have. My life is not awful, it's actually pretty amazing. Yet, all I can think about it is everyone and everything that has hurt me and everything that makes me angry or sad. Why can I never live my life with no complaints? There are so many things I love in the world. I have amazing friends and yet the one I can't stop thinking about is the one who left. Left me alone in a world full of hate. He left me here to go through life without him and I can never forgive him. Sad thing is by not forgiving him, I'm only hurting myself. He could care less about what I feel and he has made that perfectly clear and yet he still has me feeling down. So why do I let him control my life like that? I've searched and searched for the answer and have come up with nothing, don't think I ever will. Life is what it is and nothing can be changed, not now it's too late. So I'll just sit back and light one more because that's the only thing I can control in my life. The feeling of being so high that my whole body goes numb and I can no longer feel anything; physically or emtionally. Without feeling the pain and sadness is gone, but will I ever be able to feel happiness again? Have I ever really felt it to begin with?