Screaming to the Deaf

why can't you see how much this is making me hurt. I'm telling you how much suffering this program is putting me through. Why can't you stop focusing on what you want and focus on what i want. What i need. You can't seem to grasp the fact that this program is fallin apart piece by piece. It's not helping at all. I cant relate to any of the other people. They dont understand me, nor do the doctors. They think they do, they try and analyze me and tell me whats wrong but they dont know all they have is book knowledge. They haven't expiernced what I've felt. Yet they sit there and tell me what will help and what I need to fix. I'm not perfect and I'm implying that I am I'm just saying that I know who I am and by knowing that I should know what helps me. Please just listen to what I'm saying, really listen. Don't listen and think that I'm just venting or complaining, because I'm not. I truly feel that in the end this program will put so much stress on me that one day I'll just give up, or I'll crack. Please listen I'm screaming for help and you can't hear me but your only listening to what you believe to be true.

Day 1, When Will it End?

Today was the first day of that intensive outpatient program. Let me tell you it was horrible. I went and i tried and tried to keep a open mind but it was horrible. Every single other person there was stupid...like literallly stupid. They were all immature and they talk like they just learned english. This made the supervisors talk to everyone like they were 5. I hated it i was too mature for that. It made me want to screammm...like people seriously need to learn how to grow up. It was soo frustrating. Not only that but by the time i got home i was soo tired I didn't want to do anything which sucked because i had so much homework. I hate this. What makes it all worse is that I get barely any sleep at all. So I'm naturally tired anyway going to school and then right to this program doesn't help. It's just putting more stress on me. I feel like I'm slowly falling behind and I hate it. I hate having to leave school early every day. I know that the school will work with me but I want to do everything at the same speed as everyone else. I don't want special treatment. I want to attend school six hours a day and then be able to come home, do home work, and then still have time to relax. I'm too overwhelmed as it is I don't need any additional stress. I just want to go to school and live like any "normal" teenager. I hate it and I want things to go back.

Don't Fear the Unknown, Embrace It

I'm over it. Over all of it. I'm over the pain, the drama, the fear, and the sadness. I've given up on all that. From now on I'm done feeling. I'm done caring. I'm done trying to fix things that are impossible to fix. It's not worth trying anymore. I'm going to sit here thinking about what was or what could have been. I'm not going to think about what will be or what is. I'm not going to think about any of it. I'm finished. Let life control me I'm done trying to take control because in the end its not worth it we all die anyways. Some sooner than others. People say that life is like a roller coaster but in fact that's not true. A roller costar is a ride you ride for about a minute or so and it gets all your adrenaline pumping. But life is much longer and a lot less fun. Plus at the end of a roller coaster you get to get off but with life it just ends, you never know when it's going to end or how. It just does. Some fear death. But why fear something that sets you free. Something that takes the pain of the world away. Me, I'm not afraid of death, I welcome it with open arms. Death is one thing I've never been afraid of because when you're dead you no longer feel the heaviness of the world. Your soul is light and it's free. You don't have to worry about anything. You aren't surrounded by misery. I've asked people why they fear death and some people say because it means your life is over. But i believe dying is the start of a better life. A carefree life. One full of peace and love. One where no matter what happens you always have hope. But i could be wrong death could be just as horrible as life, i don't know for certain. I can only hope. I can only hope that once i escape this life I'll move on to a better one.

Your Life, Not Mine

you say im not safe to stay home alone but tell me how it helps for you to drag me all over bumble fuck land. i have to live your life not mine. how is that helping i cant even do as i please i have to do what you have to do. thats fucking insane obviously there's more wrong with you than there is me. because thinking that will work it fucking crazyy. i dont want your life. i want mine but i cant live my life. whether im dead or alive doesnt really matter anymore because either way im not living. im just an unimportant object being dragged along to watch you live your life while i just waste away.

All Alone with Nothing, Not Even the Memories

it's official there is like nothing left in my room. it's funny how she cleaned out my room because they gett all suspicious because i take down posters or decide to redecorate. yet they can change EVERYTHING. its funny it really really is. people think they know what's best for me but how can they know when i dont even know. Everyone thinks they know how to keep me safe but i hate to burst that buble but they dont. they arent even close. but applause to them for trying. the thing that gets me the most is that they took all my pictures..if i wasnt alone before i deff am now i dont even have the memories to remind me of better times. whatever i dont even give a fuckkk you can box up all my stuff and never leave me alone but let me tell you it makes now difference to me anymore.

You're the One I Need

You're my angel. My everything. You make me smile when all i want to do is cry. You make feel safe when I'm scared and lonely. You make me feel warm in a world so cold and dark. You always know what to say and when to say it. You always there for me even when i feel like I'm all alone. No matter what i do or say your always there for me. We may fight and not always agree but that's what makes us friends. You talk me out of the stupid things i want to do and you never expect anything in return. You never give up on me even when i've given up on myself. You make me feel like im the most important thing in the world and that i come first. I've never felt like that. I've always been second best but in your eyes i feel like i'm the greatest. Whether this is true or not doesnt matter, i dont want to know the truth. Because i dont want that feeling to ever disappear. I Love You. <3>

Fake a Smile, Because it Cant Get Much Worse.

So i talked my mom out of actually putting me in a hospital except i had to settle for something which is not any better. I have to join a program that is everyday from 1-5. Not only is it 4 hours a day id have to get out of school at 12 everyday because it takes an hour to get there. Which is ridiculous because I'll be missing two whole Classes. Plus i have drama at night and i wont have enough time to do homework. I'm bound to fall behind in school. Which will put way more stress on me then i need. So though this program is supposed to be helping me, it wont because it'll make my stress level rise. The irony is that it's suppose to help me cope with stress not add to it. I cant even object to it either because then they'll throw me in some hospital which i don't need. They are taking my freedom away from me. Plus my mom cleaned out my room and took literally almost everything out of it. My picture frames, my Cd's, my DVDs, my hair products, pens, pencils, EVERYTHING. It's suppose to keep me safe but it just leaves me in a room that doesn't even feel like my own. I don't feel comforted there anymore, i feel like I'm laying in someone else's world. It's weird its like I'm a visitor in someone else's room. The funny thing is though i didn't use any of those things to try and "harm" myself. They didn't even come close to finding any of it. Which totally defeats the purpose of destroying my room. Sadly for them, I'm too clever and i think of everything. They just keep taking things away and pushing things on me that wont help me at all. They just keep making it worse.
Up side to today though: i made cup cakes =]